I call BS.

deep thoughts

 

There are a couple of phrases that are always said with the best of intention in the worst of situations. One of these is, “Forgive and forget“. For years I have allowed myself to feel guilty because I have not forgotten. I think it is time to call BS on this one. I do not think it is possible nor practical to forget. I have forgiven some pretty life changing and heinous events Even when the offender has not asked forgiveness. But I do not forget. For example; At the age of fifteen, my virginity was robbed from me in a brutal act of kidnap and rape. After years of alcoholism and drug addiction and some deep counseling by a Pastor and his wife, I have been able to forgive. Truly forgive, as Christ has forgiven me.
Like most fifteen year old children, I thought I was invincible and I left myself open to many dangers. I was rebellious and arrogant and that permitted me to be with the wrong people, in the wrong place at the wrong time. What I did not know is there is always some sicko lurking and waiting to take advantage of just such an attitude. I have forgiven me for putting myself in that danger. I have forgiven the sick man who robbed me. I have forgiven God for not bursting through the night sky and ripping this pervert off of me. Done and done.
I am sixty one years old and I haven’t had those nightmares or re-lived that event in a very long time. My heart is no longer bound in anger, fear and hatred. But I do not forget.

There is another phrase that irks me of late. “Time heals all wounds.”

I must call BS on this as well. I do not see myself as wounded and bleeding any more although my heart is under going surgery right now. My heart has never been so broken as when Eddie the Baker left me here alone. I miss him every single day and feel somehow incomplete without his words of wisdom in my ears and his daily pledge of love to me. This does not feel like a wound. It feels more like an extraction. A portion of my soul has been torn off and the heart ache is quite literally an ache in my heart. It has been more than two and a half years and I still cry every day. Time is not healing my heart and soul. But God…  I know that God is mending this. Every wound my heart has ever experienced has been healed by God and this is no exception.He has promised never to leave me. He has promised to bind up the broken hearted. He cares for the widows and the orphans. It is God, not time, who heals all wounds.

I have recited both of these phrases to hurting people in the past. That will not happen again. And I will politely nod to those who say these things to me, choosing to see their heart and not just listening to the words. And maybe, on the inside, I will find myself calling “BS.”

Looking for the rainbow with a crushed heart

After the war the term, passive aggressive, found its way into civilian psychiatric practice and for many years was listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the bible of the mental health trade. According to the revised third edition (DSM-III-R, 1987), someone had PAPD if he displayed five or more of the following behaviors:

(1) procrastinates, (2) sulks or argues when asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, (3) works inefficiently on unwanted tasks, (4) complains without justification of unreasonable demands, (5) “forgets” obligations, (6) believes he is doing a much better job than others think, (7) resents useful suggestions, (8) fails to do his share, or (9) unreasonably criticizes authority figures.

This term sparked my interest about a year ago when a co-worker called me passive aggressive. I truly thought it was humorous when I called her “princess” after she had verbally attacked me and was acting like a spoiled brat. It was my way of jabbing her without actually knocking her block off, which is what I really wanted to do. Hmm, sounds passive aggressive to me.

Although her behavior after that remark got her fired by the producers of my show and put a possible irreparable rift in our relationship, she did me a favor. I took her name calling to heart and decided to take inventory of myself concerning my attitudes. I discovered I was often, indeed, P.A. I do not like this character trait and so I have purposed to change it. I am learning to say what I mean but still keep the balance of respecting the person I am speaking to. Respect and dignity are extremely important in any relationship. The lack of respect for me is what has put the rift in my relationship with this person. There was a lot of behind the back, negative talk coming from this “princess”. (I still think that is funny.)

This past week, I had to put some words to a very uncomfortable situation. I had to forgo any P.A. vocabulary and talk straight in an eye to eye conversation. It has been gut wrenching for me but I spoke in truth and love. It did not result in an acceptable solution, but I was as honest as I know how to be.

Since my husband passed away in April of 2011, I have been forced to re-invent myself. I no longer have the safe covering of a husband who had only my best interest at heart but I have the assurance that God is my covering and my protector. I am learning how to listen for His voice in my spirit. He gives me the courage and the dignity I need to keep moving forward. He has given me a stern warning that has raised up in me the courage to obey, no matter the cost.

I am reminded that He alone is my safe place. He has promised to never forsake me. He gave up everything to come and rescue me. He is my hero. I am still looking for the rainbow even though my heart is crushed.

Redemption

Storms of life will come. It doesn’t matter if you are ready for them or not. It doesn’t even matter if you are doing everything right. Storms are a part of life and they do come and they have a huge potential to knock us off our feet sometimes. For someone with a past like mine; (alcoholism, drug addiction, violence and crime) it is very important to be anchored. I have found my anchor. His name is Jesus and this is my meek attempt at expressing how much He means in my life.

Oh Lord, You are a wonderful God. It is a good practice for me to look at all you have done in my life. Looking back helps me to realize that nothing is too difficult for You. Sexual abuse is not too difficult. Alcoholism and drug addiction are no match for Your power of love and restoration. There is no sin so powerful that it is beyond Your helping hand. Thank You that You are ever present. You do not play hide and seek. You are constant and trustworthy and able. I can leave all of my anxieties and concerns with you in full confidence that You have my best interest in Your heart. You are my everlasting Father.

Your love for me is so deep that I cannot fathom it.

Your concern for me is so complete that You have even numbered all the hairs on my head.

Your Holiness is so bright that I can never look upon it with my human eyes.

Your desire for me is so strong that You formed a plan to redeem me to Yourself.

Your resolve is so powerful that You allowed sinners to beat You and nail You to a cross as You lay down your life for my sake.

Your Grace is so miraculous that, somehow, all of my sin was transferred to You.

Your bounty is so full that all of Your righteousness was imparted to me.

Your Glory is so awesome that death could not hold You in the grave.

Your salvation is so simple that all I have to do is accept it; and yet it is so powerful that it makes me an overcomer.

You are God, my Father,

Jesus, Who is closer than a brother,

Holy Spirit, Who dwells right inside me and guides my steps.

Thank You for giving me the privilege of being Your daughter. Help me to remain faithful and anchored in the Hope that is my salvation. And help me to have a heart like Yours. Keep teaching me how to love the unlovable. Keep me mindful that it is not all about me.

This story is about forgiving

For all my creative crazies out there, I want to share with you a post that has inspired me this morning. I found her on Freshly Pressed, on the WordPress home page.

http://leslielaughs.com/2011/10/06/how-to-seize-every-31-days/

NOW! This story is about forgiving.

My occupation is filled with talented, creative and extremely insecure people. I know this because on any given day I am one or all of these adjectives. I have worked with make up artists and hair stylists who have a good sense of who they are and the talents they possess. They have been a challenge and a delight to work with. They share their knowledge and receive ideas from others. They inspire me to become better at my job.

I have also worked with folks who feel threatened by anyone who may have a different method than they are used to. They are insecure and constantly on the defensive, trying to prove what they know. Even if what they know is limited or directed by poor work ethics. They can not  seem to learn from folks who may know something they do not. Argumentative and sensitive they can not or will not follow instruction. Working with this personality is a nightmare to me.

I wish I knew a better way to deal with it. My own insecurities rise up. I find myself second guessing my actions and responses continually. I believe  it is good to take stock of ourselves and when we find a flaw try to correct it. That is not what I am talking about in this instance.

I had a department head job where my key hairstylist was the personality mentioned above. In eight weeks, the work relationship had declined to a point where we had an argument. I called her Princess and she called me passive aggressive. She was right. I was trying not to strangle her or fire her because I knew she had some things to work through. Crew members were coming to me to tell me that she was saying some very negative things about me to the producers.  One person even told me to watch my back because my key was looking for an opportunity to throw me under the bus. Hmm… not what I want to hear when  a demanding job really prevents me from “watching my back.” Still, I did not want to fire her. I had insight to some of her woundedness and  I was hoping God would work some things out in her.

I called some of my prayer warrior friends and asked them to cover “my back.”  They did. By the end of that week, the producers made a decision to fire my key. They did not discuss it with me or explain anything to me when it was all said and done. At first I was shocked and insulted that they did not confer with me before taking this action. In retrospect I am somewhat grateful. I can see that this young lady did not want to work as hard as we were working. She wanted off the show. She was not only bad mouthing me but was relentlessly criticizing the director…. to the actors!!! Much of her behavior was unprofessional at best.

My last 2 weeks of the show ran very smoothly thanks to the help of her replacement. I had not realized that I was doing so much of the work by myself due to her lack of willingness to work as a team.

She has not spoken to me since that night. No explanation, only a text that apologized for leaving me in a bad situation.

I am working on letting go of hurt feelings. Forgiving her for maligning my character. Forgiving her for the things she is still saying about me.

I am working on becoming a better leader. Forgiving myself for not correcting things early on.

I realize that I can not help everyone. There does come a time when I have to let people go from my life.

I am praying for wisdom and healing.

I have heard it all before

This morning, my Bible fell open to this:

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

This scripture is found right after The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6. I guess Jesus didn’t want to leave any wiggle room when it comes to forgiving. 

Then He proved everything He taught about forgiving by taking  the entire burden of my sin and forgiving me for everything I ever did wrong. Even the things I did wrong on purpose. Wow. That is walking the talk. Unto death.

And again I say…

There is a recurring theme in my life that will probably be here until the day I die. It is forgiveness. It is not a suggestion. It is a command from the Lord. 

Sometimes, I grumble at the thought of forgiving some of the jokers that have made my life difficult in one way or another. There have been more than a few times in my life when I whined the “I didn’t do anything to deserve that” song. There is no need to go into all that because we have all heard it a thousand times, however, I would like to share some things I have learned along the way. If you can read this with a tone of voice, please make it an understanding one and not a condemning one.

1. Refusing to forgive keeps me in bondage to the offense, making me a prisoner of the pain.
2. Sometimes it is wisest to forgive without ever seeing the person again. Never put ourselves in physical danger. Use wisdom.
3. Sometimes we can forgive without speaking to the person again. Manipulators who are forgiven will still manipulate.
4. Forgiving someone does not mean I am responsible to help them see the error of their ways.
5. Keeping numbers 2 and 3 in mind,; it is possible to forgive someone who has passed away.
6. Some people do not deserve to be forgiven by any rational standard. Forgive them anyway.
7. Resentment in the Latin means to feel again. When I allow a resentment to remain, I am feeling the hurt all over again each time I think of it. And I think of it a lot. It is mental torture.
8. Just because we haven’t completely forgotten the pain does not mean that we have not truly forgiven.
9. Forgiving is not a feeling, it is a decision.
10.  Unforgiving requires a hardened heart and hard hearts don’t hear God so well.
11.  Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation for Thine is the kingdom and the glory and power forever.
12.  Sometimes I can be the one who is big enough to forgive; sometimes I need someone to be big enough to forgive me.

I am forgiven. I am forgiving. I am moving forward.

(this is a re-post from another blog I used to have. I needed to be reminded of it. If you have read this one before, please forgive me for the redundancy. this is not a suggestion.) 😉