30 11 2007

I have been having a blast shopping for the hair and makeup for Imagine Christmas. I got a delivery today from a make up store. There are 16 pair of fantastically, beautiful …. oh, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Let me just say that this production is going to be a visual bonanza! I am getting very excited. We have some of the most talented hair and makeup artists who have made themselves available to help us Imagine Christmas! God has been so good.

A little birdie told me today that the sets are coming together too. Carpenters and special effects and lighting techs, Oh my.

The optical blessing could only be outdone by the amazing music and the stirring dancers.

Fellow ADDs unite! We are going to be right in our element.

Oh look, glitter!


28 11 2007

Today is a tough one. I am in pain and struggling with emotional stuff.

Even before I got clean and sober I had compassion for broken people.

When I was blessed with the opportunity to get sober in AA, I threw myself into AA meetings and helping other alcoholics and drug addicts get clean and sober. At one time in my sobriety I was sponsor to 47 women. All at the same time! My phone rang at all hours of the day and night with any number of tragedies, dramas and problems. I think I have heard it all. I never had time for my own daughter because I was so busy trying to solve the problems of the world. I really regret that. 

I saw a few wonderful recoveries and conversions and a lot of two steps forward and three steps back. I have been used, abused, lied to, and lied about. Eventually, I got burned out and stopped sponsoring anyone. It seemed that I had traded my obsession for getting high with an obsession for fixing people.

After I discovered that the hole in my own soul was crying out for a Savior, I asked Jesus to come into my broken heart and make me whole. My experience with Jesus was such a profound, life changing event that I wanted every person who had suffered with suicidal thoughts, fears, rejection and lack of worth to know the love, acceptance and forgiveness I had found.

I had a lot of compassion… again… but not the wisdom necessary to really help people. So, I decided to go to school and become a counselor. Long story short, I earned an Associate Degree in Christian Education and I got burned out by sick people… again. I found a safe place at the Rock of Wilmington to heal my wounded spirit and I have settled in and kept most people at a distance for a few years now.

 I want to fulfill the destiny that I was created for and I believe that my purpose is helping people. The flame of compassion is beginning to flicker in my heart again. Fear of failure and fear of being hurt again threatens to damper the fire.

God wired me to be a helper. Paul wrote to the Corinthians That “God appointed first apostles, second prophets, teachers, workers of miracles, those having gifts of healing, those able to help others….” 1 Cor. 12:28 

It is interesting that Paul says all that and then goes right into 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. If I have this gift and do not use it to love people, I gain nothing. I am doing nothing.

I am fighting the fear and the desire to retreat into myself. I am fighting by putting it right out here. Here it is, warts and all.

cartoon thinking

28 11 2007

I am not sure if my brain got damaged somehow when I was a child but I think in cartoon. A lot. It is not something I work at to achieve. It just happens.

OK. For instance: I was watching an old movie the other day. When a character was asked the simple question, “How are you?” he answered, “Swimmingly.” Enter Nemo’s Dad and Dory. Dory is doing the thing where she says, in her sing song voice, “I’m swimming. swimming.” 

I lost about 3 minutes of dialog in the movie because I went from Dory swimming to Dory making whale noises. I caught myself in cartoon land, chuckled to myself and got right back into my movie only mildly annoyed at the diversion.

Now, I am ashamed to admit that given the same scenario, if Ed interrupted the movie with conversation, I would be totally annoyed at him for taking me out of the story.

What’s up with that?


25 11 2007

Please Daddy… Read the rest of this entry »


22 11 2007

Happy Thanksgiving to all our friends and family.

Ed and I ate like royalty. And I can still sit up and type so, that means I did not over eat!! There is plenty left for Cape Codder sandwiches tonight. No Thanksgiving would be complete without one. Here is how it works:

Soft, squishy, fresh white bread

Mayo on the top piece.

Sliced turkey topped with,

stuffing topped with

cranberry sauce seasoned with

salt and pepper.

Oh yeah! Add phone calls from the kiddos who live too far away to drop in for dinner. That is a most important ingredient.

Ahhh, delight.

Then add best friends and perhaps a deck of pinochle cards and you have just topped off your holiday.

Hope yours is yummy.

Forgive for Thanksgiving

20 11 2007

The subject of forgiving keeps coming up in my life. It is monumental.

My husband was talking to a lady who has been sober in AA for more than 38 years. She is full of compassion and wisdom. She has a 54 year old son who has still not forgiven her for her behavior as a drunk.

I know, first hand, how devastating it is to have a parent that you can’t rely on to be your protector, your guide and your person to look up to. Being ashamed of who you come from turns your whole world upside down. On top of that, to survive the insanity that active alcoholism brings along in it’s package is darn near impossible. So, I am not criticising anyone who is so wounded that they cannot let go of the hurt. I did not walk in this man’s shoes and I have no idea of the depth of his woundedness. I just think it is incredibly sad that he can not get to know the lady that she is now because he is stuck in resentment.

In that sense, alcoholism is still robbing this man of a relationship with his mother. And she has been sober for a long time, which means that she has gone through tremendous changes in her life style.

How do I know that she has changed? Simply put, alcoholics do not stay sober if they do not change.

We must let go of old ideas and old ways of doing things. We must accept that we have been screwing things up for a long time and alcohol is not our friend. We must learn new coping skills. We must attempt to reconcile with those we have harmed. We must develop a trust in God to heal us of our own hurts and to help us change. We must desire sanity and reject insanity. We must rely on God to lead us into a healthy life. We must also forgive those who have hurt us. To hold onto the anger and pain would lead us back to a drink.

AA calls these things suggestions, I call them absolutes. We don’t have to do it all absolutely right but we MUST be willing.

I had to forgive my mother while she was still getting drunk. I got sober while she was still getting drunk. She was much harder to put up with when I got sober. I learned to love her where she was at. She had abandoned me, embarrassed me and broke my heart a little more with each broken promise BUT she was the only mother I was ever going to have. To this day, I still have abandonment issues but I learned to love my mother. When I finally loved her, expecting nothing in return, the unthinkable happened. She got sober.

During the 15 years of her sobriety I got to know my mother.

She was feisty, swore like a trooper, was crass and sometimes rude. She had the biggest, softest heart you could ever imagine and her heart had been crushed with tragedy that I will never fully comprehend. She became loyal and tender hearted. She loved my husband and always took his side if we got into a squabble. She told me that if she ever met a man that loved her the way Ed loves me, she would marry him and never let him go. She learned how to say I love you. She had a great sense of humor. She finally asked Jesus to be her Savior and I know I will see her again.

She changed so much and I am grateful beyond words that I forgave her and got to watch the transformation in her life. My mother passed away in 1996. She was not the woman I remembered from my youth. She was an incredible lady.

Forgive. Don’t cheat yourself of one more day with that person. They will never do everything right and neither will you. Open the prison door and let yourself out. Forgive.

Idle time?

19 11 2007

I am starting to get nervous about being out of work for so long. I am not good at idle time.

The writers strike is doing strange things in my world. The TV series in Charleston was supposed to begin it’s 2nd season  after Thanksgiving. I just found out they have closed the offices for now and may not get started until March. Good thing I decided not to go down there. I could be stuck with a lease on a condo for the next 7 months. Thank You Jesus.

I have been home and out of work since July. During this  time, my husband is eating healthy regularly and has regained  some color in his cheeks. The meniscus seems to be healing and the swelling in his leg has gone down. He has had a series of 5 shots in the knee to help with the arthritis. He still limps but he is doing so much better. He has started semi-retirement which- he promises me- means he is going to slow down any time now. Mm hm.

My dog, Daisy, had gotten SCARY skinny. I really thought she was dying. For some reason she would not eat at all. I have been cooking chicken and rice for the dogs for months now. She has gained 10 pounds and eats 3-4 times a day. Her eyes are bright. Her coat is shiny. Bella, thinks she has sailed on the gravy boat to Heaven since every time Daisy eats, Bella gets some too. They are spoiled rotten dogs. We call them SPRogs. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

We got our backyard garden finished this year. It looks great and has been a joy to walk through or sit on our stone bench and watch the dogs romp.

I have enjoyed writing again. I have enjoyed eating my own cooking again. I am going to the chiropractor to take care of things I have let go for years now. I am planning Thanksgiving dinner at home. I may even go to stores to Christmas shop this year instead of going on-line from a hotel room on the road somewhere. I have enjoyed some quality time with family and friends. I plan on doing more of that. The day after Thanksgiving we are going to the Carolina Opry to see the Christmas show with the Klings. I will be quite involved in our own Imagine Christmas performance at the Rock this year. I have been having a blast putting together the look for the hair and make up. It promises to be some of the most creative hair and make up I have ever done. I am blessed to have the team work of my friends, Gina and Wendy. I love the beautiful work these girls do. Thanks to the writer’s strike they are available and they want to be involved. I have had the pleasure of doing some hair in my own studio again. I will be home long enough that I am accepting new clients too.

After reading this last paragraph, I guess I made my point that I am not good at IDLE time. No idle here! lol. Life is good.