One whole darn year!!

29 04 2012

This is a photo of one of the church vans at My church, the Rock Church of Wilmington. The tall white guy, second from the left is my Eddie. He used to drive one of those vans downtown and to pick up some of the homeless folks who wanted to come to church. He also drove through some neighborhoods to pick up folks who simply didn’t have a ride to church.

April 20, 2012 marked one year since Ed passed away. It was amazing to have my whole family together during the week and a blessing that they all came to church with me. We all sat together in one row. That is the first time ever. Pastor Ron brought a great message about what we do in the meantime. Those times when we are waiting for something to happen. He reminded us that God is in the “meantime.” He has the plan for our in between times. After the service, we all went out to see the pic on the side of the van and my friend Tony took this pic for us.

             It was kinda fun to pretend that we were all together one more time.

Our time together was spent as a beach vacation. Daughters, sons in law and grandchildren all under one roof at a beautiful beach house in Topsail beach. (just leave a comment if you want the info on the house.It was perfect and so reasonable!) The original plan was just to have a family reunion but the dates that the house was available and the kids spring break coincided with the one year mark of Ed’s death. So, being the cool fam that we are, we made it a family reunion / vacation / memorial. My personal opinion is that God knew we all needed to be together on this anniversary. Several times through out our week I saw God winking at us. I even imagine that Ed was getting a kick out of seeing us all together, acting like a family. We are all so different. Each of us is processing the loss of our loved one in our own unique way. I am proud of my girls.

I sure do miss my Love. I have cried more this past year than I had in the previous 10 years put together. But healing is happening. Last night, I saw that Ed’s favorite movie of all time was on TVand I didn’t squall and ball like a baby!! Forrest Gump. I bet he watched that movie thirty times. Whenever it came on the TV, he would watch. Even twice in one day!! And his daughter, Christine, and her hubby, Ruben, bought it for him on DVD so he could watch it anytime he wanted to. I can almost hear his breath catch as he tried so hard not to cry at his favorite parts. I used to love to tease him but the truth is, I was so proud to have the love of a man who wasn’t hard hearted.

Annnndddd, back to the beach!

Now that right there is a beautiful bunch of women. I guess we will have to do it again sometime because I don’t have a picture of all 3 of my awesome sons in law. I feel so very blessed.

I’m just asking…

25 04 2012

Disclaimer: I believe that not a one of us who claim to be Christian, has it all completely correct. We are all sojourners trying to make the best sense of it all. Now, these are some questions I struggle with in my journey.

  • If you have to defend your freedom to go to nightclubs, to drink and to use questionable language (ie: sucks, freaking, damn it) are you really free or are you in bondage to rebellion?
  • How many beers does a Christian need to drink before their state of mind becomes vulnerable to sin?
  • If a relationship with God is truly “all I ever need”, why is there a need for an adult beverage to take the edge off?
  • If I need an adult beverage to take the edge off is Jesus really all I need?
  • Who does not know that “freaking” is just a substitute for that other word? Really?
  • Is freedom in Christ really about being able to go clubbing and drinking? Is that why He went to the cross?
  • Are we just using (rather, mis-using) the phrases “free in Jesus”  and “no longer under the Law” to justify a sloppy Christian walk?
  • Should life as a Christian look just like life in the world?
  • Am I in bondage to religion and acting like a Pharisee if I choose to adhere to a certain list of do’s and don’t’s?

The devotion I read this morning is titled RUN TO WIN. The scripture that it is based upon is 1 Corinthians 9:24.

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize. Run in such a way that you  may obtain it.”

I am on a constant search for truth. I struggle with these thoughts because so many people around me, in the Body of Christ and even in Christian leadership roles, are living in this so called freedom. I struggle because I am losing my respect for leaders who are drinking to the point of getting tipsy and even drunk. I struggle because church is not a safe place for me anymore.

I don’t have the answers to my questions. I am really not being a smart alec by asking them. I’m just asking.

Some things I get right and that brings me peace. So many things I stumble over and that brings me anxiety and disruption. I want peace. I want sincerity and I want Jesus.

Therefore, I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight : not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. 1 Corinthains 9:26 & 27

Life as I am learning it.

11 04 2012

Every day I have important decisions to make.

  1. get out of my bed; (harder than you would think some days)
  2. cry whenever I have to. (although I try to do this in private)
  3. lean on God more than I lean on my friends. (He always has my back)
  4. pray for others (so many friends need prayer)
  5. re-model my 20 year old kitchen. (which I am loving!!)
  6. take control of my diet. (Ugh)
  7. balance work and pleasure. ( say what???!!!)
  8. cherish family time whenever it is possible. (looking forward to all the fam coming in town)
  9. eliminate the drama mammas. (puh-lease)
Widowhood is not for sissies. It takes some learning and God knows I am trying. I miss Ed every day and, truth of the matter is, it is not getting any easier to be without him.
My work has been a life saver. I just completed an independent film starring Greg Kinnear, Jennifer Connelly and Lily Collins. The title is “Writers”. It was a fun show to work on. I did Greg and Lily’s hair and Patrick Schwarzenegger among others. You will be happy to know they were all very nice.
I love the work I do for television and film. It is not always easy to keep it in proper perspective though. There is a weird sense of urgency to always find the next job. Insecurity runs very high in this industry and lends itself to the feeling that every job finished could be the last job I will ever have, which is complete nonsense. God is my manager and my booking agent. He opens doors that no one can close and closes doors that no one can open. He has put me in some pretty cool positions and He is not done yet. Knowing that helps me to relax and let Him do what He does best; take care of me.
I am actually taking some time off on purpose to spend a week with my family. We rented a house on Topsail Beach and all the girls, SILs and Grands are coming in on Saturday!! The house sleeps 12 and we will fill it. I am so excited to see everyone together. The weather is going to be fabulous, in the 70s and 80s. God is smiling on us right now. Coincidentally, our family time is going to be during the one year mark since Ed passed away. The mere fact that we will all be together on that day is a God thing. I did not plan it that way, it is when the beach house was available and the school vacations worked out. Ed is smiling on us too.
Many pictures will be taken. 😀