6 points to the bottom line

31 07 2008

I am doing what is known as “day playing” on a local shoot here in Wilmington. The job is only one or two days a week which is a nice break in the action for me and allows me to stay home for a while. It is kinda boring though because I do not get to use my creative side. Some one else creates the hairstyles and executes the style. I simply go to set with the actors and TRY to make sure that they look consistently the same for the whole scene. I have no relationship with these actors who have seen several hair stylists come and go on their show. They have NO confidence in my skill and talent and so I am relegated to being a mirror holder for them while they fluff themselves or spray their own hair. 0ne out of five of the regular actors will actually let ME do their touch-ups on set. It is quite humbling. Especially after coming off a show that I had so much fun creating the looks for and I had the trust and respect of the actors and my co-workers.

The word that comes to me over and over on this job is discourage. Webster’s definition says: reduce the confidence of, show disapproval of. That is what happens to me on this job. I have to wonder how my confidence can so easily be shaken. I think it has to do with the second part of this definition; showing disapproval of. I am an approval junkie. If you ever want to get the best performance and the biggest smile from me, just give me some approval. I will do back flips to get approval. It makes me want to do better, to please more.

I remember being confused the first time I heard the term “people pleaser” used in a disparaging way. How could that be a bad thing? If it makes someone happy to make others happy, why should we not want to do that? Obviously, I am still somewhat perplexed by this. I enjoy seeing people happy. I love to laugh and I enjoy hearing people around me laugh. It is called joy. Ah, but if my joy is so dependant on whether or not a person approves of me, then it becomes an unhealthy thing. There will always be people that can not be pleased no matter what I do or say. I must find my approval and acceptance within.

I spent years in AA trying to learn how to be my own best friend. I learned many valuable lessons, such as:

  1. Eliminate negative self-talk. ie:Coni you are an idiot. Can’t do anything right. –you get the idea
  2. Treat myself with the same respect I would treat my best friend.
  3. Realize that I can not do everything for everybody.
  4. Learn when and how to say no.
  5. Try to do the right thing.
  6. Allow myself grace when I make a mistake.

All six of those points were revelations for me and helped me immensely but the bottom line is this:

  1. I only have to please one person in this whole world. That person is God.
  2. He is already pleased with me.
  3. He approves of me.
  4. He encourages me.
  5. He never calls me an idiot.
  6. He treats me like I am His best friend.
  7. He can do everything for everybody.
  8. He only says NO when it is not good for me.
  9. He lavishes me with grace when I mess up.
  10. He always does the right thing.

As long as I am trying to please God, I am doing what I should be doing. Now, my challenge is how to please Him while I am on this job.

back to normal?

28 07 2008

Things are beginning to get back to narmal around here. That doesn’t mean the same thing for every household. Normal for us is still unpredictable. I have one day of work booked this week and one day of work booked next week but that could change in a moments notice.

It is wonderful to be back home, none the less. Yesterday at church was fabulous. I got to sing and see friends and, lo and behold, the youth sponsored a spaghetti lunch. Perfect since we had no groceries at home! Ed and I got good food and good fellowship. Gotta love a Sunday like that.

Pastor B. brought a message that was very timely for me. I get so caught up with work and all the other every day stuff that, many times, I put my time with God aside until “later”. Only “later” never gets here. I know, I know. So sue me cuz I am not the perfect Christian. Still striving, still growing and still somewhat surprised when I get something right. Hey, ya got to enjoy the journey.

I got this email from my sister, Barbara today. Here is something simple enough for even me to keep in mind.

Ten Commandment s

Some people have trouble with all those ‘shall’s’ and ‘shall not’s’ in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren’t used to talking in those terms.. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the ‘King James’ into ‘Jackson County’ language….. no joke, (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church inGainesboro , TN)

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin’ before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin’
(7) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal (or another gal’s fellow)
(8) Don’t take what ain’t yers
(9) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’
(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff

Now that’s plain an’ simple.   Y’all have a nice day.

Italics were added by me. Hope I didn’t make things more complicated by doing that, but I needed to hear it that way.

thanks sis.

catching ZZZZs

26 07 2008

Today was  somewhat of a lazy day. I did laundry and put away 3 out of 8 of my trunks and luggage. I made an appointment to go downtown for a haircut. Woo, it is short, but cute. It started pouring rain while I was in the salon. It slowed down just long enough for me to reach my car and then poured again. I made it home safely and, believe it or not, the rain slowed down until I got in the door. Then a new deluge came down.

What is it about a rainy day that makes a nap sound like heaven? I am not much for lying down in the middle of the day. I am too hyper for that most of the time. Today, however, I made an exception to the norm and pulled those covers over my head for about an hour. Ahhh, bliss.

I am a little depressed over the fact that I gained 3 pounds while in Mass. I just don’t have the will power to say NO to dessert or french fries when I am working. Ed went out almost every day to buy me a salad for my lunch. As much as that helped me, I still managed to eat the wrong things the rest of the time. (sigh) I fell off the ragamuffin-top challenge too. Too depressing. So I went out and bought a new outfit for curch tomorrow. It has a BIG shirt to cover my BIG belly!

OK, that’s enough fat talk. I think I will go out and watch A League of their own with Ed. I need a good chuckle.

on the road

25 07 2008

We are coming home TODAY!!

As blessed as I am to have the job I have, I am always most excited when the jobs are complete and I am on my way home. I miss my church family, I miss my dogs and I miss my home. I don’t really miss my husband though. That sounds pretty bad… unless you know that Special Ed is with me on this job.

We are sitting in our hotel room, drinking coffee from the lobby and shaking the cobwebs out of our heads. Getting ready for a 7 hour drive to Wilmington. Our Pet Nanny will have Bella and Daisy at the house waiting for us. They give us such a sweet homecoming. Tails wagging like helicopter whirlybirds, Bodies wiggling all over with excitement until they flop on the floor from exhaustion with bellies showing just waiting for a tummy rub. I get puppy kisses from Bella. Daisy is much too dignified a lady to take part in such a sloppy show of affection. I never allowed a dog to give kisses before but somehow, we let this cute, sweet tempered, black, love muffin get away with it. I love my dogs.

This trip has been very fruitful. I made some new friends and got to see some old friends again. I discovered that one of the products that I use primarily on ethnic hair works wonders for our Native actors with long hair. I had the pleasure of spoiling these folks on a daily basis and it was so much fun for me because they appreciated everything that was done for them. A lot of the Natives that worked on this shoot are Pow-wow dancers. They dress in the most beautiful regalia and wear some intricate hairstyles and head pieces for the dance. They teased me about flying me in to do the Pow-wow circut with them. Apparently, folks follow the pow-wows and set up a booth to do hair for the dancers. Who knows, I may have found my next gig. 🙂

We have finished well

23 07 2008

They are filming the last scene of our project tonight. I am so pleased with the work that we have done on this one. I have met some people who are sober alcoholics (friends of Bill). It has been good to be here.

Here is a pic of a beautiful young lady with extensions that I put in. Her own hair is not quite to the shoulder. We had some fun!

be true to your self

20 07 2008

Whenever I write something of a personal nature I always cringe when it comes time to press the PUBLISH button. I question… is this TMI?, will this chapter of my life benefit anyone else?, and did I put it all in a comprehensible context? This is becoming my guideline for whether or not I make things public.

Then, I get some comment that tells me SOMEONE has identified. Man, that helps me to remain transparent. You never know who will be touched in some way by just knowing they are not alone. I know that I do not need to air my dirty laundry, so to speak, and I struggle with how much honesty is too much for someone else to bear. Many times in my life, I have heard someone share something deeply personal and I have been able to say, “That is me. I feel just like that. If that person can survive and even grow through the pain, so can I.” After all, if you have found your way to the cheese in the rat maze, don’t you want to show someone else where the cheese is? I’m just saying.

My purpose for beginning this blog is to share my experience, strength and hope with others out there. I have a lot of experiences and a lot of hope. I credit God Almighty with any strength I have.

Thanks to every one who encourages me to remain transparent. I once heard some one say, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” I would add to that, be wise about who you share your secrets with and how you share your secrets. God is a good listener and He never gossips.

Been there, now I am here.

20 07 2008

Being here in Quincy is playing with my head a little. I went to Jr. High here and that was not a happy time in my life. I was attempting to fit in at first. I tried out for cheer leading. Unfortunately, I was laughed out of the auditorium by the pretty, mean girls. I did not have nice clothes, nor did I have a polished look and none of these “girlfriends” had ever seen me before because I was new in town. Teen years can be so awkward. Besides all that, I was always an outsider in life. Looking back, it seems that I was moving down to the lowest common denominator until I found a group of outcasts who were a little more wounded and messed up than I was. I made friendships with a couple of prostitutes and their boyfriend (pimp). The girls taught me how to apply make up and false eyelashes. Later in life I would learn how to tone down the make up tips I acquired from these beautiful girls.

I did not have much adult supervision in my life because my Mom worked about 10-12 hours a day and by the time she got home from work, she was drunk. My Mom loved me. She was an alcoholic, single mother and she was doing what her disease would allow. Mom tried to warn me that I was beginning to hang with the “wrong crowd” but I found it very difficult to take her advise. She was, of course, correct.

Because of my rebellion and my insistence in cavorting with people that, finally, seemed to accept me I:

  • took my first Benny (speed pill)
  • had my first drink of wine
  • took my first LSD trip
  • witnessed my first crime
  • became a victim of a violent crime

My Mom was right. These folks were way out of my league and I placed myself in very precarious situations. Even though my Mom was drunk 70 % of the time I lived with her, I should have heeded her advise. Instead, I ran away at the age of 15 after suffering that violent crime. It messed me up for a long time. I went right into hanging with a group of outlaw bikers. I was looking for protection. My brother, Lucky, was the vice president of the club at the time. Little did I know, I was jumping from the proverbial frying pan into the fire. I got more and more messed up and rebellious. My brother tried his hardest to get me away from the club members but I was a very determined little booger. He went to jail for kidnapping a Federal Agent and I continued hanging with the outlaws. Until one of them, the club president, at Lucky’s request, tried to persuade me to go back home to my Momma. This outlaw hung me out of a third story window by my ankles. He had one ankle and a guy named Mousey had the other one. The Pres. told me I needed to go home. When I said that I wasn’t going anywhere, he let go. Thank God Mousey had a good grip on me and dragged me back in the window. Even though I only weighed 110 at the time, I think God gave him super natural power to do that.

I did go home for a little while after that. Just long enough to hook up with another motorcycle club that wasn’t quite as outlaw as the first. These guys had a club house, some good drugs and some pretty bikes and they were fun to drink with. Most importantly, they were protective of me.

God has had His hand of mercy and grace on me all my life. I can count three events in my life that could easily have resulted in my death. Miraculously, I am still here. Today, I am sober, drug free and in possession of my right mind. (Although, some would debate the latter.) God has a plan that NO man can change. I trust that every nasty event in my life has been knit into a beautiful life. I should be full of mercy and grace to all the other wanderers who are trying to find their way in this crazy life. Today, I know that God is my protector. He saved me for a purpose. I try to listen to Him and to heed His calling on my life. He gives me compassion for the so called “losers” in this world. I try to pass on the love, grace and mercy God has lavished on me. If I am able to make a difference in the life of one single person who is struggling to find their place in this world, I will have accomplished much. It is not all about me. I do not, however, want to forget where I have come from.

Looking back, I can see some of what He saved me from and I can see some ways that He has opened my eyes to see Him. I have learned that God don’t make no junk. He is not looking to beat us up with guilt. He loves us right in the middle of our mess and He wants to lift us up out of the garbage we have slipped into.

Thanks God.