Still breathing; still learning.

18 03 2012

I never had to think twice about it. Ed always had my back. Whenever there was a business decision or a relationship that I had qualms about, he always had the right answer for us. I never doubted that he had our best interest at heart. That is because we were one. If it was a bad decision for me, it was bad for him also. Good for me, good for him. One.

There are some tricky things to this widowhood trek. Making decisions alone can be nerve wracking when you are not used to it. I am trying to transfer my dependence on Ed to dependence on Jesus. Only, Jesus doesn’t sit at the kitchen table and brainstorm with me. It is much more difficult for me to get His take on a situation. It takes patience and waiting and listening.

As I continue to take a personal inventory, I realize that I am not very good at those three things. Patience has always alluded me as I want what I want when I want it. (Usually immediately) I am learning that, even as timing is the key to comedy, it is also the key to many of the good gifts in life. Some things need time to marinate or time to age.

My inclination is to make the decision right away and then jump in with both feet and work like crazy to make it work. (Usually exhausting) Any chef will tell you that waiting  for that sirloin to absorb the flavor of the spices is imperative if you want a delicious experience. Sometimes, I need to wait for every thing to line up before I can make a good decision.

My Mom used to say that I could talk a dog off a meat wagon. I think it is a family curse as I recall my own daughter trying to convince me of implausible things and now I hear my 20 something grandson prattle on about what he thinks is the brilliant answer to life’s questions. (Usually annoying) God gave me two ears and one mouth, which implies that I should listen twice as much as I speak. If I can quiet my own thoughts and self talk, and the voices of those around me, I can actually hear the still, small voice telling me the direction to go in.

¬† I realize that Jesus has my best interest at heart. He proved that when He laid down His life for me. If I am making a bad decision, He wants to save me from that. Since He has the plan for my life, He also knows what is good for me and He is far more patient with me than I am with myself. I don’t always have to understand that, but I absolutely believe it. Even in times of deepest sorrow He is my comfort. In times of success He is my Joy. In times of insecurity He is my shelter. In times of weakness He is my strength. He is my loudest cheering section, always wanting me to win. He is the lover of my soul, taking all of my sin onto Himself. He is my redeemer, purchasing my pardon on Calvary’s cross. He is my eternal home.

Knowing all of that helps me to be patient, to wait and to listen for His answer. I am sure that I will have to be reminded as more decisions have to be made. It is all a learning and growing experience. As long as I am still breathing, I am still learning. Learning to be One with my Lord.