encouragement to step parents

Alcoholism destroys families. My family has been effected by this insidious disease for as long as I can remember. Since 1982, when Ed and I got married, it has been my goal to break the curse of this dysfunction over my family. The process has seemed like three steps forward and two steps back many times, but we press on toward the goal.

Ed and I had been clean and sober and married for five years in 1987. We each struggled with learning how to be good, effective parents and step parents.  Personally, I have made a ton of mistakes and bad choices born out of my own dysfunction. My daughter, Fawn was 15 years old and she was dealing with her own pain. Our family life crashed into the wall that year when she ran away. Over the next couple of years, we all had to look closely at who we had become, and then, become willing to make some difficult changes in our behavior. No matter what we think, we are not born with the innate ability to parent. It is a learn as you go endeavor. 

Ed and Fawn have given me permission to share this Father’s Day message that she wrote. My purpose in sharing this is to encourage the parent that feels like they are swimming against the tide with their teen age children. From 1987 to 2009, we have come a long way! To God be the glory!

Dear Dad,

Being a parent is tough. Being a step parent is even tougher.

In all these years that you’ve been my Dad, it is only now, as I’ve taken on the mantle of being a step parent myself, that I can truly appreciate how great a job you’ve done.

It seems an almost cruel injustice to expect a person to live with, love and accept an attitude wielding, teenaged female – especially in cases where that person did not have the benefit of bonding with said child before the attitude emerged.

I didn’t understand what went into things from your end. For example, I had no idea how cool it was of you to include me in your time with Crissy and Cheryl. I have great memories of walking through malls with you and the girls, eating at McDonald’s and just “hanging out”. Thank you so much for sharing those times with me, for including me.

One of my most cherished memories is the night I brought my “date” in to meet you and Mom. You were sitting in your recliner watching TV in your moose head slippers.

Your reaction to that young man and to me after he left planted a seed of thought. You made a crack about how hard it is to be intimidating while wearing moose head slippers. For years I didn’t get it.

I know you’ll be shocked, but I was a dumb teenager who thought she knew everything when, in reality, I was completely clueless. I couldn’t think of a reason you’d want to seem intimidating.  It wasn’t until many years later that it dawned on me. You were being my Dad, protecting something of value.

I couldn’t appreciate the difficulties you faced; living separate from your own children but still expected to open your heart to me. I am so sorry for all the years that you poured in to me that I was not able to appreciate. Instead of gratitude, I dished out teenaged ‘tude. Still you love me – which is mind blowing -and proof that you truly have a father’s heart.

I love you, Dad. You are a man deserving of honor.

Love Fawn

So, if you are feeling inadequate and inept at parenting, be encouraged. God can use you where you are at.

Happy Fathers day

This thought goes with the pics in my previous post.
The first picture is of my toad friend who lives under the piece of wood under my faucet. I call him Toadly Awesome, named after a puppet that a friend of mine used to teach children with. He makes me smile.
The rest are just things that bring me joy or peace, or both in some cases.
It occurs to me that there are many things, (people, places and things) that compete for my attention. Today, I choose to give my attention to the things that make me smile. And I choose to share some of them with you.
Happy Fathers Day to all the stand up Dads I know.
Make it a great day!

10 things that make me smile

God is on our side!

Hey, I can’t believe I am actually getting a moment with a – sort of – clear mind to write something.

Ya’ll can figure out from past posts what has been going on in our lives. Crazy! But through it all God has been faithful and powerful! Not just because Ed is doing so much better but because He has been with us every step of the way. God has gone before us and opened the way for Ed to be under the care of some pretty good doctors here in town. The surgeon who took care of his hip is the ortho for the sport teams in town. He did a great job on for Ed BOTH times. I counted SEVEN doctors that we have been seeing for different aspects of Ed’s accidental fall. My mind and my calendar are trying desperately to keep it all sorted out. We still have tests and doctors visits looming over our future, but it’s all good. One test leads to another diagnosis and that leads to a follow up and that… well, you get the picture. Add physical therapy three times a week and it stays pretty hectic.

Ed is doing great walking with his cane now. He mostly uses just the cane but he gets worn out rather easily so we keep the walker around for when he needs something to lean on.

The latest diagnosis is pulmonary hyper tension. We are awaiting an appt. at Duke for a heart cath and some more exams. If all of this results in a way to help Ed get off the constant oxygen, we will be happy. We know that God is at work in the situation. Ed also has a night of tests at a sleep disorder clinic tomorrow night. They are checking for sleep apnea and other sleep disorders. Fun, fun, fun! Of course, the thought of having to sleep somewhere when people have you hooked up to stuff makes him quite nervous. The biggest concern is that he won’t be able to sleep at all. I imagine everyone goes through that though and they must have a way to deal with it.

Tonight, I am going out with a few friends to celebrate a birthday. The four of us plan a night of bowling and eating pure junk at the bowling alley. As always with this crew, there will be lots of laughs. We went out last week to see a movie together and I laughed so hard that I cried my make up off. I am not going to wear make up tonight in anticipation of a repeat performance of uncontrollable laughter. The Bible says “Laughter does good like a medicine”. That couldn’t be more true! It was a good shot in the arm for me. I love hanging with people who know how to have good, clean fun. We don’t laugh at someone else’s expense but we see the humor in ourselves and in each other. Heck, sometimes I just laugh at them laughing. Can you tell I am so ready for this?

Ed’s best bud, Mr. Glenn, is coming to pick him up and they will go out to dinner together. Mr. Glenn’s wife is out of town… so the guys can hang out for a while and talk about guy stuff. Whatever that is.

Well, that is the catch up on my life. I hope it made some sense to you. So many of our friends and family have continually been praying for us and we want you to know that we couldn’t have made it this far without your love. Thank you, thank you.

I will wrap this up with my new, favorite quote, I hope it inspires you to realize the greatness of God.

“This is God’s universe, He does things His own way. You might think you have a better way, but you don’t have a universe.” J. Vernon McGee

Seize the day and make it count for something great!

Stuck

I am feeling stuck in my writing. Hopefully, it is just because so much has happened in our lives lately and I am still processing it.

• I have been unemployed for 3 months. Thank God for unemployment but I only have one week of that left.
• I need a good hair show to inspire me.
• Ed has been through so much these past 3 months. The spark is beginning to return to his eyes.
• We celebrated 34 years of Ed’s sobriety last week. God has a plan for our lives.
• AA is a God sent program of recovery.
• My grandson is being deceived by his youth right now. I am afraid for him.
• My Pastor says that the human brain is not fully formed until 24 years. I guess that is why eighteen year olds are retarded.
• My daughter has a new appreciation of what it is like to attempt to be the voice of reason to a retarded teenager. LOL.
• God gives each of us a road to travel. We would do well to stay on that road and not try a shortcut.
• What is going on with my singing?
• I desperately need to get, at least, 10 lbs. off these bones!
• I am searching for my passion again.

Well, now it is time for me to go food shopping and make some lunch for me and Ed. Maybe I can resume my search for my passion after lunch.

ciao

Progress, not perfection

I think we are turning a corner in Ed’s journey. He is getting stronger. Yesterday, we went to a hospital to visit a friend. Her room was as far away from the elevator as it could be. He had the longest walk he has had yet. And then back down to the car. He did so good and our friend was nicely surprised to see him.

Today we had another long walk as we went to Walmart and bought a cane. Tomorrow his PT will help him get accustomed to walking with that instead of his walker. We are both a little nervous about him leaving the relative safety of the walker but I think that is normal after what he has been through. That will be her last day of coming to our house. We will go out for therapy starting next week. 

I left him home alone so I could go to work for 8 hours on last Friday night. I spoke to him on the phone twice. He did fine but I am not ready to go back to work for a full week yet. He is probably ready to get rid of me for a while but I would be a nervous wreck with him home alone for that many hours. Besides, I just want him to get strong enough to fly out to LA with me when I get nominated for the Emmy Award. (I won’t know until June.) One step at a time.

Kids and dogs

WC Fields said he never liked working with kids and dogs.

                                                                                                                         I love my dogs. This is clear evidence that I have taken them for a good walk.

done

Apparently I am not the only one who loves my dogs.

Whenever Tamara comes over for a visit she shows Daisy the love. Bella runs for the hills most times but is getting a little less frightened by the tiny, curly- haired tornado. 

You might know that your dogs are spoiled when;

Your neighbor wants to BE one of your dogs.

You were right WC. Kids and dogs will upstage you every time.

dumping of the brain

It sure is hard to write when you have crazy stuff going on in your life. My mind doesn’t want to zero in on any one thing so here goes a brain dump.

• Ed seems to be walking a little better but progress is painfully slow. He has very little energy and he is trying so hard to get well.
• Liver and onions have been on the menu 8 times since he was diagnosed with anemia. Yuck and double yuck.
• My sister’s husband passed away last week. She has been through a lot since January too.
• It seems as if we are getting old but I don’t feel grown up yet.
• I am a bit anxious about losing my health insurance because I have not worked in months.
• Please, North Carolina, please pass the film tax incentive bill so I can work at home for a while. If you pass it to 25%, they will come!
• If we don’t start getting film work in NC I will have to consider a different job. Perhaps hair stylist to the brides.
• I had one night of work this past Friday. It was more of a social outing than like work. Thanks Kari and Jules.
• Finally got my neck straightened out from sleeping on cots and chairs in the hospital.
• I have GOT to stop eating out of frustration before even my fat clothes don’t fit any more.
• I am blessed with awesome neighbors and church family. 
• Holy hugs are the best.
• I plan to send out the manuscript for our children’s book to at least two publishers next week.
• Being organized is so difficult for me.
• God, will you please help me to make the right decisions so I do not stray from my destiny?
• Started singing with the praise band again. Had a rehearsal today: sing next Sunday, May 24th. Come and hear us at Rock church at 10 AM.
• I have been listening to opera in the car, turning it way up and screaming my head off. Um… I mean singing loudly.
• May 22 will be Ed’s sobriety anniversary. Thirty four years!
• Jesus promised me He would never leave me or forsake me.

Ten Reasons not to take yourself too seriously

The top 10 reasons to not take yourself too seriously, (in dyslexic order.)

• gives you frown lines and frown lines are unbecoming. (Smiling causes character lines. There now, that”s better.)
• is a lot of work. (Living should be an adventure, not a grind.)
• can give you an ulcer. (Acid reflux sucks too.)
• means you better be right every time. (The odds are simply against that notion.)
• you can’t laugh at the stupid things you do. (And you will do something stupid.)
• if you ever do laugh, you cannot snort and blow milk out your nose. (Dignified laughter is just wrong.)
• it’s not all about you anyway. (Just get over yourself and notice the good in some one else for a change.)

And the top reason is;* drumroll please*,

• NO ONE ELSE DOES.

You may have noticed that I did not number my reasons and I do not have 10. So, stop taking this so seriously. Why don’t you tell me another reason why we should not take ourselves so seriously?

Now, make it a great day! I mean it. Smile.

Blast from my past

“I know what you kidzch need. How ’bout a niszch bean szchandwich? And a warm pair of szchockzch?”

We were sitting on the stoop of the brownstone building in a bad neighborhood in Boston. The front door opened and out shuffled a ragged looking older man. The deep wrinkles in his face told the story of a hard life. The few teeth that showed in his mouth as he spoke were brown and rotting and caused him to schlurp  his words. At first glance, he looked like a homeless refugee.  

I could feel Eddie looking at me but I knew that if I made eye contact with him, I would not be able to control the laughter that was bubbling in my belly. To my surprise, he took our new friend up on the offer of a bean sandwich. We watched the man, happy now, as he turned to go back into the building.

“What did you do that for?” I asked him.

“Have you ever had a bean sandwich?”  

“Never.” I assured him.

“Well, let’s see if he comes back. I bet he knows how to make a mean bean sandwich.”

We talked about robbing him if he did come back out. We could ask him to let us use his bathroom. Once inside his apartment it wouldn’t be hard to overcome him and take anything of value that we could find in a hurry. 

The cold was getting to me and I was having difficulty keeping my eyes open as I allowed my body to succumb to the heroin I had just snorted. The familiar cloak began to envelope my mind as I slipped in and out of awareness. I smelled the sandwich that had been placed on my lap and my stomach turned over. Sure enough, steamy hot baked beans on a fat slab of buttered bread sat on the melmac plate. We had spent the last of our money on drugs earlier that day. I pulled myself together enough to eat the sandwich. I learned a couple of things that day.

#1, Bean sandwiches are good on a cold November day.

#2, This old man was just trying to help a couple of messed up junkies.

I really can’t tell you why I am thinking of this story tonight. I wonder if God had protected him from us that day. For some inexplicable reason, we never robbed that man that day.