Duh, winning.

God has allowed me a good chunk of time off of work but I am beginning to get antsy after being home for 6 weeks. Usually I am good for 3 or 4 weeks of idle time to get caught up on rest and to re-connect with my family and friends.

My good friends and next door neighbors, the McCoys, are more like family than neighbors. We manage to stay pretty connected on a daily basis.

It has been interesting to me that,  my friends who I thought would be closest to me during this time have been busy with their own stuff. I don’t say this in a complaining way at all. A lot has been going on in their lives and I have kept myself quite busy too with work and with travel. I am secure in the knowledge that my friends love me and care about me and I am quite certain that God has ordained it to be this way so that I can not become over dependent on them. It is humbling to know how vulnerable I am in this area. The fact of the matter is, no one on this earth can bear the weight of all of me all the time. I am a lot!

If you had asked me, I would have told you that I know how to lean on God for all my needs. Probably even quoted 1 Peter 5:6&7 to you. “Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him for He cares for you.” I would have emphasized it just that way too.

Well, I am learning there is more to that portion of scripture. It is followed by an admonishment; Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.  

It’s one thing to know the words, quite another to apply the truth in those words when the world comes crashing in on your party. Since Ed passed, I have had to pay attention to an old nemesis  of  mine. Depression. My adversary would love use depression to destroy me. BUT GOD has made sure that I am aware. I am sober and vigilant, resisting and rebuking depression every single day.

While my ego would like me to think I am unique in the pain of grieving, I am assured that what I am experiencing is normal. “The same sufferings are experienced by my brotherhood in the world”. Ha! How ordinary of me.

And wait! There is more to this scripture. (I am beginning to feel like an info-mercial announcer.) “BUT, may the God of all grace. who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.”

Bam! There it is. The hope.

While I am learning how to live without my soul mate, I am learning how to really trust God. And after I have suffered a while… (are we there yet, Jesus?)

I am being perfected, established, strengthened and settled. It is happening. It is the process. No matter what I am feeling, if I will just put one foot in front of the other and walk this walk, I will find myself in the winner’s circle. And who doesn’t want to be, duh, winning?

Journey to Fearless

I am wondering what my next project will be. Will I work on another show or will I be selected as a contestant on a new television show I have submitted for?

I don’t know but I can tell you this, I am going to be 60 years old this fall and I am still strong and healthy and vibrant. There is a lot more in me to do and I am tired of playing things safe. Fear has no place in my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have fear, but I will not be ruled by it. Being afraid of what other people think of me is such an energy suck and a waste of time. How can I ever walk in the destiny God has designed for me if I am worried about what someone might say behind my back. (And, they always say it behind the back because they themselves are afraid.)

When we got the diagnoses from Ed’s doctors that his liver disease was taking over more and more of his life, we continued to pray for his healing. We are people of faith and we believe that God can and does heal. We also know that we live in temporal bodies. Everyone of us has an expiration date. God gave us a birthday and he gives us a death day. No one gets out alive.

The sicker Ed got, the more fear rose up in me. So many questions. Can I do this? Can I comfort him on his death bed when the time comes? Will he suffer horribly? What will become of Coni without Ed? Fear, fear and more fear. God  kept leading me to passages of the Bible that said “fear not for I am with you.” “I will never leave you or forsake you.” “I know the plans I have for you…” “do not fear or be discouraged.” “God had not given us a spirit of fear…”  God spoke into my spirit, “Only be fearless. I have you. Nothing will overtake you.”

That is when I got the word tattooed on my wrist. Fearless. Not because I am, but because I want to be. It is what I aspire to.

In my journey, I have made a decision to eliminate the drama Mammas and Pappas from my life. I am praying for them, I still love them but I will not allow them to poison my life any more. Sometimes it is beneficial to love from a distance. I realize that I can’t help anyone who will not let God move in their lives. It is pure ego to think otherwise. God pulled me out of my muck and mire when I absolutely let go of everything in this world that I was clinging to. I can’t do that for anyone else, but I will try to help anyone who is willing to lean on God first.

So far, it is an interesting journey I am on.

 

 

Just in time!

Timing is the key to comedy.

What if you had learned how to ski? Maybe you even got to ski every day for two weeks in a row and you felt like you were pretty good at it. Then, for next twelve years, you never got to get up on your skis again. You went to the slopes, you watched the other skiers and picked up some good tips on how to maneuver on the slopes but, you didn’t get on the skis.

That is how I felt about working with lace wigs. I had two weekend classes with one of the best in our business. Colleen Callaghan taught us finger waves, period hairstyles and all kinds of wig work. I felt pretty confident after her classes. The problem is that I never got to work on a lace wig. I got to use every other thing she taught us as I honed my skills but, for some crazy reason, not lace wigs. I have worked beside other incredibly talented hair stylists and watched them apply the wigs and make it look like that hair was growing right out of the scalp. I even handed the pins, passed the wig cap, held the bottle of glue and watched them press that lace into the skin until it could no longer be detected. But, I had no confidence to do it myself.

Last year, another wig class was being taught in NY by another wig master. I signed up and flew to NY by myself to take the class. Immediately after signing up for the class, I was hired as the hair department head on season 3 of EastBound and Down. The main character wears a mullet hair piece and there would be some other wigs involved in the show. Yep, timing is the key to comedy.

I stayed in NY with my friend, Michelle, who had hired me on my first job in the film industry. She had been inviting me for years and I finally took her up on it.

I had worked on a show before with the teacher, Werner Scherer, and was thrilled to set up my station next to him on that show so I could watch and learn. But now I had the chance to perform my lessons in front of the teacher so he could correct any bad habits I may have formed. It was a great class for me and restored to me some confidence for wig work. The only thing I did not get to do in that class was actually glue the lace onto someone’s forehead. When I told that to Michelle, she grabbed a lace wig she just happened to be working on at her house and took me out to her backyard patio. There we sat while I glued the lace to Michelle until I was confident working with wig glue!!! How blessed am I?

 

If I only knew how much wig work would be involved in the filming of my show, I definitely would have panicked. As it turned out, I knew everything I needed to know just in time to have a successful season and do some fun work with some great talent.

Writers, the movie

I just finished working on a film with Greg Kinnear and Lily Collins. I got to be the Department Head hair stylist again. Each time I do, it is a learning experience for me.

This one is a sweet story called “Writers”. It is an independent that will show at some indie festivals and will surely get picked up by a distributor to be shown in theaters. That is my prediction, so be watching for it next year. The main actors are Greg Kinnear, Jennifer Connelly, Lily Collins and Nat Wolf

Lily is a sweet girl and a good actress. She was a delight to work with every day even though she was on a whirlwind promotion tour for her movie, “Mirror, Mirror” at the same time as our one month shoot. I think she counted 12 flights to different cites. Some of those were to LA (long flights) and one to Paris! Okay, not even feeling bad for her about that! LOL.

Lily is pretty savy about her style and  very professional for one so young. Once she conveyed her wishes, she sat back and let the magic happen. It was so sweet of her to write in her thank you card to me that she felt good about herself every day when we finished her look. AND she had fun with us!! That means a lot to me. It was not hard to make her look good. This photo was the last night of our film. She had traveled and worked a full day and was still adorable and gracious enough to let us all jump in a photo with her.

Thanks Lily and best of luck in your future. I truly hope to see you do great things.

I actually enjoyed my experience on this film. Greg Kinnear was very interesting and gave me a generous gift card to Best Buy along with a card that thanked me for “many good hair days.” Nat Wolf is another professional young actor and he made me laugh ( at least once) every day! Jennifer Connelly brought her own hair and make up people with her so I had very little interaction with her.

It’s nice to have a positive experience to look back on. As many of us in the film business, I struggle sometimes with insecurity. A good friend and  successful fellow hair stylist said to me, “I am afraid that one day they will discover that I don’t know what I am doing.” I think we have all felt like that at some point in our careers.

A lot depends on the co-workers around you too. Gina Baran did a very good job as my key. I never once felt like I couldn’t trust her to do what is best for our department. That is priceless. After all, why wouldn’t we want to make our department look brilliant?

Hair and Make up have to work very closely. It is good to encourage each other and yet be honest enough to say when something is wrong. We all have some degree of ego in our work so this can be a delicate area. TRUST is of the utmost importance in the make up and hair trailer.

One whole darn year!!

This is a photo of one of the church vans at My church, the Rock Church of Wilmington. The tall white guy, second from the left is my Eddie. He used to drive one of those vans downtown and to pick up some of the homeless folks who wanted to come to church. He also drove through some neighborhoods to pick up folks who simply didn’t have a ride to church.

April 20, 2012 marked one year since Ed passed away. It was amazing to have my whole family together during the week and a blessing that they all came to church with me. We all sat together in one row. That is the first time ever. Pastor Ron brought a great message about what we do in the meantime. Those times when we are waiting for something to happen. He reminded us that God is in the “meantime.” He has the plan for our in between times. After the service, we all went out to see the pic on the side of the van and my friend Tony took this pic for us.

             It was kinda fun to pretend that we were all together one more time.

Our time together was spent as a beach vacation. Daughters, sons in law and grandchildren all under one roof at a beautiful beach house in Topsail beach. (just leave a comment if you want the info on the house.It was perfect and so reasonable!) The original plan was just to have a family reunion but the dates that the house was available and the kids spring break coincided with the one year mark of Ed’s death. So, being the cool fam that we are, we made it a family reunion / vacation / memorial. My personal opinion is that God knew we all needed to be together on this anniversary. Several times through out our week I saw God winking at us. I even imagine that Ed was getting a kick out of seeing us all together, acting like a family. We are all so different. Each of us is processing the loss of our loved one in our own unique way. I am proud of my girls.

I sure do miss my Love. I have cried more this past year than I had in the previous 10 years put together. But healing is happening. Last night, I saw that Ed’s favorite movie of all time was on TVand I didn’t squall and ball like a baby!! Forrest Gump. I bet he watched that movie thirty times. Whenever it came on the TV, he would watch. Even twice in one day!! And his daughter, Christine, and her hubby, Ruben, bought it for him on DVD so he could watch it anytime he wanted to. I can almost hear his breath catch as he tried so hard not to cry at his favorite parts. I used to love to tease him but the truth is, I was so proud to have the love of a man who wasn’t hard hearted.

Annnndddd, back to the beach!

Now that right there is a beautiful bunch of women. I guess we will have to do it again sometime because I don’t have a picture of all 3 of my awesome sons in law. I feel so very blessed.

I’m just asking…

Disclaimer: I believe that not a one of us who claim to be Christian, has it all completely correct. We are all sojourners trying to make the best sense of it all. Now, these are some questions I struggle with in my journey.

• If you have to defend your freedom to go to nightclubs, to drink and to use questionable language (ie: sucks, freaking, damn it) are you really free or are you in bondage to rebellion?
• How many beers does a Christian need to drink before their state of mind becomes vulnerable to sin?
• If a relationship with God is truly “all I ever need”, why is there a need for an adult beverage to take the edge off?
• If I need an adult beverage to take the edge off is Jesus really all I need?
• Who does not know that “freaking” is just a substitute for that other word? Really?
• Is freedom in Christ really about being able to go clubbing and drinking? Is that why He went to the cross?
• Are we just using (rather, mis-using) the phrases “free in Jesus”  and “no longer under the Law” to justify a sloppy Christian walk?
• Should life as a Christian look just like life in the world?
• Am I in bondage to religion and acting like a Pharisee if I choose to adhere to a certain list of do’s and don’t's?

The devotion I read this morning is titled RUN TO WIN. The scripture that it is based upon is 1 Corinthians 9:24.

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize. Run in such a way that you  may obtain it.”

I am on a constant search for truth. I struggle with these thoughts because so many people around me, in the Body of Christ and even in Christian leadership roles, are living in this so called freedom. I struggle because I am losing my respect for leaders who are drinking to the point of getting tipsy and even drunk. I struggle because church is not a safe place for me anymore.

I don’t have the answers to my questions. I am really not being a smart alec by asking them. I’m just asking.

Some things I get right and that brings me peace. So many things I stumble over and that brings me anxiety and disruption. I want peace. I want sincerity and I want Jesus.

Therefore, I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight : not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. 1 Corinthains 9:26 & 27

Life as I am learning it.

Every day I have important decisions to make.

1. get out of my bed; (harder than you would think some days)
2. cry whenever I have to. (although I try to do this in private)
3. lean on God more than I lean on my friends. (He always has my back)
4. pray for others (so many friends need prayer)
5. re-model my 20 year old kitchen. (which I am loving!!)
6. take control of my diet. (Ugh)
7. balance work and pleasure. ( say what???!!!)
8. cherish family time whenever it is possible. (looking forward to all the fam coming in town)
9. eliminate the drama mammas. (puh-lease)

Widowhood is not for sissies. It takes some learning and God knows I am trying. I miss Ed every day and, truth of the matter is, it is not getting any easier to be without him.

My work has been a life saver. I just completed an independent film starring Greg Kinnear, Jennifer Connelly and Lily Collins. The title is “Writers”. It was a fun show to work on. I did Greg and Lily’s hair and Patrick Schwarzenegger among others. You will be happy to know they were all very nice.

I love the work I do for television and film. It is not always easy to keep it in proper perspective though. There is a weird sense of urgency to always find the next job. Insecurity runs very high in this industry and lends itself to the feeling that every job finished could be the last job I will ever have, which is complete nonsense. God is my manager and my booking agent. He opens doors that no one can close and closes doors that no one can open. He has put me in some pretty cool positions and He is not done yet. Knowing that helps me to relax and let Him do what He does best; take care of me.

I am actually taking some time off on purpose to spend a week with my family. We rented a house on Topsail Beach and all the girls, SILs and Grands are coming in on Saturday!! The house sleeps 12 and we will fill it. I am so excited to see everyone together. The weather is going to be fabulous, in the 70s and 80s. God is smiling on us right now. Coincidentally, our family time is going to be during the one year mark since Ed passed away. The mere fact that we will all be together on that day is a God thing. I did not plan it that way, it is when the beach house was available and the school vacations worked out. Ed is smiling on us too.

Many pictures will be taken.