It’s not over until…

21 10 2016

DSCN0353 In the beginning of this Widow’s journey I spent a lot of time on the couch, crying and thinking mostly. Did I do everything right? Did I miss something medically? Was I a comfort to Ed by continuing to work and bring in an income or should I have come home earlier?

Today, more than five years later, I know that I did the best I knew to do. I am still doing the best I know how to do as I continue my journey. I still feel the empty ache in my heart but I also experience something like joy when friends share a good Ed story with me. It is a comfort to remember how honestly funny he was and what a compassionate man he was. He was terrible at telling a joke and yet he made us laugh so hard at his attempt to tell it. Sometimes he would laugh so hard at his own awful jokes that we couldn’t help but laugh with him. God, I loved that man so much. Still do. And I know he loved me as deeply as anyone could.

I have had to learn how to manage my life without my biggest fan and best friend. I will honestly tell you that I do not like it one single bit. However, I am secure in the knowledge that God has more for me.

Ed genuinely loved to hear me sing. He would ask me to sing to him often. After he passed, my song changed. I went through a period of time when I thought I had lost my ear and my voice. Nothing I sang sounded right to me and I finally decided that I just would not sing anymore. I lost my song. I left my beloved praise team and hardly sang out loud in the congregation for quite some time. A couple of people really tried to convince me that I needed to be singing but I thought they were just being kind.

During this time, I was invited to sing in a choir that a dear couple was leading but first I made them promise that they would not let me be the old lady warbling out of tune in the soprano section. They assured me I could trust them to have my back. Every time the choir or praise teams sang worship my heart ached and I cried. I attributed those many tears to grief but I also think that God was cleansing my heart during that time. Music has always spoken to that deepest place in my heart. One step at a time, I began to feel my song again.    I am singing again. From my heart. I am a member of the choir now and sometimes I am asked to lead a song or to sing a special solo. I am honored to worship my Lord and Savior with Psalms and spiritual songs. My heart is healing.

I am blazing a new trail in this Widow’s journey. I am stretching myself beyond the boundaries of only gospel music. I have successfully auditioned for Opera Wilmington out of UNC Wilmington. I also have registered to audition for America’s Got Talent on February 1, 2017, in Charleston, SC. I am ready for new adventures and I want to grow in the journey. Here we go.

 

 

 





How sweet it is

15 08 2016

 

August 15 is a special day. It has been since 1982 when I married my soul mate. Ed has not been here to celebrate with me since April of 2011. This makes me sad and every August 15th I feel the ache in my heart and I cry a little, usually a couple of times throughout the day. I have come to accept that it is normal to miss someone so much that it can cause tears. What was surprising to me is the actually ache in my heart. I used to think the term “heartache” was a metaphor but my heart physically hurts when I think of how much I miss him and still love him. This all sounds a bit morbid but if you can stick with me, you will see I am going in another direction with this. I believe all the actions I just described are normal parts of grief. Grief is not a dirty word. I have had to give myself permission to express my sorrow. It only means I have loved deeply.
I have loved deeply. What an honor that is. What a gift to be able to grow and mature in that love and learn to trust another human being. I had that one person that I could count on through all of life’s winding roads. One person who knew I was filled with insecurities, imperfection and inconsistency and he loved me anyway. He couldn’t help himself any more than I could turn my love for him off. We were both far from perfect and we accepted that in each other. If I was mad at him, yes, it happened, he learned to leave me alone for a while until my hot Italian temper had time to cool off. Before the day was through he would put his arms around me and remind me that I couldn’t stay mad at him. He was so stinking cute, and he was right. We practiced the Biblical principal of not letting the sun go down on our anger. There is a free wisdom tidbit for you. it is important to the life of a relationship. Do not leave things unresolved.

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Today is a special day. I have felt the familiar ache in my heart and I have shed some tears because I miss my Eddie. But sorrow and grief will not define this special day. I have washed my face, brushed my teeth and put a little mascara on. I have called the florist and ordered flowers to be sent to the house. I will celebrate that fact that I have loved so deeply that I am still in love with one man. I am celebrating the fact that I have been fortunate enough to be loved and understood by a soul mate. I honor my husband today and I feel a touch of pride that I was Eddie the baker’s wife until death parted us. This is a joyous day.





Blood moon makes a crazy list

11 10 2014

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                                                                                                                             photo taken 10/9/2014

 

 

This week has been an insane teeter totter of crazy and horrible events. I really wonder if it has anything to do with the blood moon. There have been heart aches and miracles all around me. My personal life is also chock full of ups and downs. I have had much to pray about and so much to think about lately. I felt a need to remind myself of a few of things I have learned over the span 62 years. I confess that I do not always live these things to my best potential. But, I press on…

  • You are not unique. Other people have the same struggles you have; many struggles are worse and harder.
  • You are unique. There is not another person on this planet that is exactly like you.
  • You have been designed by God with the seeds of everything you will ever need in this life. Cultivate those seeds.
  • Your life has God intended purpose. Remain alert to your purpose.
  • Be who you are, not who you think others want you to be.
  • Be true to yourself. Don’t be a phony.
  • Think of how you would treat the person that you love and respect the most in the world. Treat yourself like that.
  • Be kind to others. Never rob a person of their dignity.
  • To have a friend you must be a friend.
  • Choose to build up, not tear down.
  • Don’t waste your time being a people pleaser. Please everyone and no one is pleased. Please yourself. At least, you will be pleased.
  • Not everyone you meet will like you. Don’t take it personal. We all have preferences.
  • Sometimes it will be necessary to walk away from people that hurt you. Do not take the hurt with you. Forgive them.
  • Life is a constant discovery. You will never know it all. Be willing to learn new things all the time.
  • It is okay to say, “I don’t know.” You slam the door to knowledge when if you always say, “I know.”
  • God meant it when He said He would never leave you.
  • When picking a boyfriend or future husband, pick the one who respects you, protects you and makes you laugh.
  • If you respect yourself you will recognize when someone disrespects you.
  • You do not need to say everything that pops into your mind.

And that seems like a good place to stop for now. If any of these resonate with you, congratulations! You are living La Vita Loco with the rest of us.

Carry on or press on. Do what you must.