Did you just judge me?

6 10 2014

I am a Christian. That means I have come to believe that God, in His mercy, sent a Way for me to get back into a pure relationship with Him. That Way is Jesus Christ. Without getting all preachy, suffice to say that I have decided to follow Jesus. I am a Christ follower.
Chances are, you have just made a judgement about me based on what you know about others. One of your judgements is probably that I am judgmental. The pot calls the kettle black.
Relax. Breath. Open your mind for a minute.
Do you want to know what I really think it means to be a Christ follower?

A-Christian

  • love God with all my heart
  • if I truly love God, I will love His people
  • love without hypocrisy
  • give and it will be given unto you
  • includes helping others
  • when you refresh others you will be refreshed
  • true religion gets dirty, goes where the needs are
  • closest to the heart of God is helping others
  • widows and orphans
  • God did not call me to judge people, he called me to love them
  • I need to judge myself, search my own soul. Not yours
  • I am full of miracles
  • miracles don’t always come with a fireworks display
  • a hug, a gentle word brings healing
  • encourage
  • help others and your life will break forth like the dawn and your healing will come

Now that I have revealed some of my inner thoughts, judge away.

In my over six decades on this planet, I have learned that we are all seekers. Every one of us are trying to find our way through this thing called life. We are not all on the same path. Each of us must find our own way. I believe that I have found mine and I TRY to walk it out every day. I am not interested in convincing you that my Way is right and yours is wrong. I welcome anyone to join me and the many others who are following Jesus, but it must be your own revelation that puts that desire in your own heart. If I truly believe that God speaks to the heart, I must believe that He has you in the palm of His hand and He will direct you. I respect your choice to walk where you feel led. We are not immortal. One day we will draw our last breath and then we will know in truth. Until then, my prayer for each of my friends is that God will lead us to the truth and help us to be true to what we believe.





I’m just asking…

25 04 2012

Disclaimer: I believe that not a one of us who claim to be Christian, has it all completely correct. We are all sojourners trying to make the best sense of it all. Now, these are some questions I struggle with in my journey.

  • If you have to defend your freedom to go to nightclubs, to drink and to use questionable language (ie: sucks, freaking, damn it) are you really free or are you in bondage to rebellion?
  • How many beers does a Christian need to drink before their state of mind becomes vulnerable to sin?
  • If a relationship with God is truly “all I ever need”, why is there a need for an adult beverage to take the edge off?
  • If I need an adult beverage to take the edge off is Jesus really all I need?
  • Who does not know that “freaking” is just a substitute for that other word? Really?
  • Is freedom in Christ really about being able to go clubbing and drinking? Is that why He went to the cross?
  • Are we just using (rather, mis-using) the phrases “free in Jesus”  and “no longer under the Law” to justify a sloppy Christian walk?
  • Should life as a Christian look just like life in the world?
  • Am I in bondage to religion and acting like a Pharisee if I choose to adhere to a certain list of do’s and don’t’s?

The devotion I read this morning is titled RUN TO WIN. The scripture that it is based upon is 1 Corinthians 9:24.

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize. Run in such a way that you  may obtain it.”

I am on a constant search for truth. I struggle with these thoughts because so many people around me, in the Body of Christ and even in Christian leadership roles, are living in this so called freedom. I struggle because I am losing my respect for leaders who are drinking to the point of getting tipsy and even drunk. I struggle because church is not a safe place for me anymore.

I don’t have the answers to my questions. I am really not being a smart alec by asking them. I’m just asking.

Some things I get right and that brings me peace. So many things I stumble over and that brings me anxiety and disruption. I want peace. I want sincerity and I want Jesus.

Therefore, I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight : not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. 1 Corinthains 9:26 & 27





Who makes the rules on grieving?

20 06 2011

Today marks 2 months since the love of my life passed away. Three days ago I had a routine doctors appointment. I am fine. My doctor is the same doctor that took care of my Mom, and for the past 19 years, took care of my husband. As soon as he walked into the room and said he was sorry that Ed passed and that he misses Ed, I cried. Now, it is not in my normal behavior to cry this much but I do find myself crying at least once a day. I think it is normal.

I have also gained a considerable amount of weight in the past several months. Hospital food and stress will do that to a person. After Ed died, I took all restraints off my food intake with full knowledge that I would get back to it when I can handle it. Well, that time has come and I am starting to eat more responsibly and exercise again.

The way my doctor responded to me made me take inventory of where I am in this foreign process of grief. He asked me if I need a little help to get me through. Have I considered grief counseling? Do I need something to make me less anxious?  If I am still grieving six months from now I should contact him for some help. That seems to be a pretty responsible offer from a doctor but here are the things that I am pondering…

Really? Six months should be my limit? Why not 5 months or seven months? Who sets the limit on how long a person should feel some sorrow about losing their life partner? If I cry for 5 minutes every day for the next 6 months, does that mean I am depressed and should be on medication? If it takes me seven months to find the new normal in my life should I go into grief counseling? (disclaimer- I am not against getting this kind of help if a person needs it. There are some great programs and groups out there that help with this process and I am strongly in favor of finding and using them IF you need help. There is no shame in reaching out.)

These are some of my thoughts as I muddle through this process:

  • Grief is profoundly personal and there are as many ways to grieve as there are people.
  • I am not sad for Eddie in the least.
  • I do not grieve as those who have no hope. Ed has won his race and I have a sure faith that he is with his Savior right now.
  • I am grateful that I have known real love and Ed and I have completed our wedding vows.
  • Nobody gets out of this life alive.
  • There is appointed a day to be born and a day to die. (for everyone)
  • I miss my husband every day.
  • Nothing in my life is normal right now.
  • I will give myself a year before making any major life decisions.
  • I will give myself permission to cry whenever I need to.
  • I will be gentle with myself.
  • I will reach out to my friends and family when I can.
  • I will reach out to help someone else when I can.
  • I am going to find my new normal and I will continue my journey with Jesus.




What’s next?

26 11 2010

It’s a rainy Black Friday. I had all intentions of going to check out some of the sales today after Ed went out with a friend. Instead, I took advantage of the empty house and went on a cleaning spree. It was quite fun actually. I was able to unleash my OCD/ADD, traveling from room to room at my own pace and allowing the distractions to lead me to the next cleaning project. Some restraint, however, was required to keep me on one task at a time. Ed came home just in time to remind me to eat so I finished up, re-shackled the disorders and  we each had some salad. The rain is a good excuse for me to snuggle into my nice, clean house for the rest of the day.





Spring? Are you coming soon?

13 02 2010

Bare branches covered in snow seem sad to me somehow. Maybe, desolate is a better description. It is certainly out of the norm to look into my backyard and see this scene but this is what I awoke to this morning. Even before I opened my blinds all the way, I could see the brightness that this stark, white covering brought. I suspect it will all be melted by the end of the afternoon because we are, after all, in North Carolina.

Bella has chosen not to disturb the new landscape by trouncing on it. She is making use of the small path of terra firma left from the dripping eaves of our roof.

Very pretty out there, but now I am ready for spring. I am ready to put this season away and look forward to something new.





Bold humility

29 11 2009

I have had lots of opportunity to live out my faith in the past 10 months. Truth is we have lots of opportunities every day. I have done some things right and some things wrong. What else is new?

I am remembering that God has me right where He wants me at this moment. Instead of giving in to the enticement to worry about being out of work for so long, I have decided to trust that God is up to something big! Truth is that God has NEVER let me down. I am finding the balance of following up on job leads and doing the responsible thing but not trying to manipulate the outcome. It is a very intricate ballet of bold humility.

Living as a believer is such an experience. God is still working on me and teaching me and for that, I am grateful.





Being refined and re-defined

17 07 2009

It is quite interesting to me that a person continues to change and develop all through out a life time. When I was a pre-teen, I was very anxious to be considered a grown up. So many choices that I would not have made were being made for me. I reasoned that when I was a grown up, I could make my own decisions and live my own life.  To quote an old hippy song… “What a wild, strange trip it’s been.”

I find myself going back to my sobriety roots in AA frequently.  It is one of the constants in my life. This program taught me how to live in this world. Before AA I floundered along life’s path, being blown this way and that by the slightest breeze. I had no idea who I was or why I was here on this earth. The word, destiny, meant nothing to me. Today, destiny is very important to me. I do not want to just take space on this planet.

I believe that Almighty God created me with a purpose in mind. THAT is my destiny. My life quest is to discover and then fulfill that destiny. There have been times when I thought I saw it clearly and as I pursued it, I fell down a rabbit hole or ended up where I had started from. Can I hear an “amen” from anyone?

My question to myself is this, is the rabbit hole a part of my destiny? If I find myself back to the beginning, does that mean that I have failed? Is 56 years old too old to still be wondering who I will be when I grow up?

I am tired. Weary really. This year has tested me in ways that I never dreamed of. I am going to start over again as soon as I get out of this rabbit hole.