God has allowed me a good chunk of time off of work but I am beginning to get antsy after being home for 6 weeks. Usually I am good for 3 or 4 weeks of idle time to get caught up on rest and to re-connect with my family and friends.
My good friends and next door neighbors, the McCoys, are more like family than neighbors. We manage to stay pretty connected on a daily basis.
It has been interesting to me that, my friends who I thought would be closest to me during this time have been busy with their own stuff. I don’t say this in a complaining way at all. A lot has been going on in their lives and I have kept myself quite busy too with work and with travel. I am secure in the knowledge that my friends love me and care about me and I am quite certain that God has ordained it to be this way so that I can not become over dependent on them. It is humbling to know how vulnerable I am in this area. The fact of the matter is, no one on this earth can bear the weight of all of me all the time. I am a lot!
If you had asked me, I would have told you that I know how to lean on God for all my needs. Probably even quoted 1 Peter 5:6&7 to you. “Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him for He cares for you.” I would have emphasized it just that way too.
Well, I am learning there is more to that portion of scripture. It is followed by an admonishment; Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.
It’s one thing to know the words, quite another to apply the truth in those words when the world comes crashing in on your party. Since Ed passed, I have had to pay attention to an old nemesis of mine. Depression. My adversary would love use depression to destroy me. BUT GOD has made sure that I am aware. I am sober and vigilant, resisting and rebuking depression every single day.
While my ego would like me to think I am unique in the pain of grieving, I am assured that what I am experiencing is normal. “The same sufferings are experienced by my brotherhood in the world”. Ha! How ordinary of me.
And wait! There is more to this scripture. (I am beginning to feel like an info-mercial announcer.) “BUT, may the God of all grace. who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.”
Bam! There it is. The hope.
While I am learning how to live without my soul mate, I am learning how to really trust God. And after I have suffered a while… (are we there yet, Jesus?)
I am being perfected, established, strengthened and settled. It is happening. It is the process. No matter what I am feeling, if I will just put one foot in front of the other and walk this walk, I will find myself in the winner’s circle. And who doesn’t want to be, duh, winning?