Being refined and re-defined

17 07 2009

It is quite interesting to me that a person continues to change and develop all through out a life time. When I was a pre-teen, I was very anxious to be considered a grown up. So many choices that I would not have made were being made for me. I reasoned that when I was a grown up, I could make my own decisions and live my own life.  To quote an old hippy song… “What a wild, strange trip it’s been.”

I find myself going back to my sobriety roots in AA frequently.  It is one of the constants in my life. This program taught me how to live in this world. Before AA I floundered along life’s path, being blown this way and that by the slightest breeze. I had no idea who I was or why I was here on this earth. The word, destiny, meant nothing to me. Today, destiny is very important to me. I do not want to just take space on this planet.

I believe that Almighty God created me with a purpose in mind. THAT is my destiny. My life quest is to discover and then fulfill that destiny. There have been times when I thought I saw it clearly and as I pursued it, I fell down a rabbit hole or ended up where I had started from. Can I hear an “amen” from anyone?

My question to myself is this, is the rabbit hole a part of my destiny? If I find myself back to the beginning, does that mean that I have failed? Is 56 years old too old to still be wondering who I will be when I grow up?

I am tired. Weary really. This year has tested me in ways that I never dreamed of. I am going to start over again as soon as I get out of this rabbit hole.



4 responses

17 07 2009

praying for you! I love you so much. I’m no rabbit expert but don’t rabbit holes usually lead down a tunnel that has another exit. Maybe the rabbit hole is just a way to move undetected by the enemy. Just a thought.


18 07 2009

Dear Coni,

I have to think that God is a great improviser. I know he does make plans for us, but I think he’s also very good at dealing with the bumps and turns in the road. Do you know what I mean? He give us a lot of freedom to choose how we’re going to act and what we’re going to do. We can choose blessings or cursings. We can go left or right. We can choose to listen to his voice or roll over in bed. We can blow our cool or keep our temper.

And of course, what happens to us also depends on the choices of everyone around us. Sometimes people choose to drive drunk. Sometimes they choose to become terrorists. Sometimes they choose to be in a bad mood at their job assembling air planes. Sometimes their bad choices bump into our lives going 90 in a 45mph zone.

So I think sometimes things happen that he knew were possible, but that he hoped we would avoid. My best friend here got blown up in the fireworks accident on the 4th. My mother-in-law fell and broke her leg just a week before it. It only takes one wrong step, and your world can change. I lost my friend. Her son lost his mother. Neal’s mom lost her mobility. It maybe wasn’t what God wanted for us, but I don’t think he’s surprised or at a loss.

I remember one time when I was praying late at night. I had done something I knew was really stupid, something I knew was really, really wrong. God warned me, and I did it anyway. And I was crying out, wondering if I had permanently gotten off track with my life. The bible says, “God leads us along the best pathway for our lives,” but what if we jump the track?

In response, God sent me a picture. It was a picture of him in his attic work room bent over a desk late at night. (God has an attic. Cool. ) He was wearing a green-shaded accountant’s hat and working on a lot of blueprints. And he told me that he doesn’t just make a plan for our lives, he makes planSSS. His planSSS for us are for good and not for evil! His compassionSSS are new every morning. He’s doesn’t just have a plan for my life, he has a back up plan, a contingency plan, an emergency plan, an escape plan, a second-string alternate plan, a plan B, a plan C, and a plan where if all else fails he just takes me up to heaven and sorts it out from there. (That’s the plan my friend participated in on the 4th, I think.)

In other words, I don’t think there’s one right answer. Life is an essay question, not multiple choice. If you ARE what God wants you to BE, then you will participate in his plans wherever you end up. Even in prison or the hospital. And I do believe that God, who is endlessly creative and apparently sometimes sits up pulling an all-nighter on our behalf, eventually works all things around for the good of us who love the Lord.

I found that encouraging. I hope you do, too.


18 07 2009

I can always count your love and friendship Helen and Johnny. I really like the idea of the rabbit hole being a place of safety. I need a safe place right now.
Angela, you inspire me. Thank you for sharing this dream and encouraging me. You have given me some beautiful thoughts and considerations. His planSSS and compassionSSS.
I am honored to have people of God speak into my life.


18 07 2009

I still (after 30 plus years of meetings, and 25 years of continuous sobriety) find AA to be the best place to ask these questions and to get good, solid, earthly support and guidance as I move forward into the answers. Don’t neglect your roots! The plant will die without strong roots.


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