From there to here

19 11 2008

There have been a lot of changes in my life over the past 56 years!

When I was a child, my imagination took me places. When I read a story, I became the lead character and shared the adventure in my own mind. I had  a dream of what I wanted to accomplish and who I thought I would grow up to be.

When I was a pre-teen, I lost trust in people and did not know who or what to have faith in anymore. I became sad and lonely and withdrawn.

In my teen years I felt unloved and a victim of my circumstances. Rejection was so deep that it became a physical sensation and began to rule my life. Rebellion began to infiltrate my thoughts. It was my reaction to the instability I always felt. It opened me up to becoming a victim of violent crime.

Bennys, marijuana, LSD and alcohol were the deceivers that I relied on to make the inner pain go away. In truth, they only masked the pain for a time. When the effects wore off all the emotions came back again with the burden of guilt now added to them.

Young adulthood became my time to pay the fiddler. Many times I wished to end my life so the confusion and pain would cease. I had become my own biggest disappointment. I was unable to control my own behavior. Promises made to myself were now being broken by me. Hope was a vapor.

BUT God. He had a plan for my life. He infused me with dreams when I was a child. He wept over the things that happened to me. He did not allow my suicide attempts to succeed. He did not allow the dangerous events that might have resulted in my death to succeed. He never took His hand of protection off of me completely even though I squirmed to get away from Him.

When I had spent every bit of my own energy and self will, He was there for me. He was waiting for me to find Him again. He never rejected me. He never gave me over to anyone or anything else. He never gave up on me. He is the hound of Heaven who never lost sight of me. Like an echo bouncing off the walls of a canyon in the distance, He was calling my name. Destiny would not be thwarted. At long last, I heard Him. I surrendered to His love for me.

My life journey took a whole new path. I was able to dream again. He had a plan for me. A plan for my good, not for my destruction. Breaking addiction. Breaking harmful mindsets. Removing fear. Unveiling a healthy self worth. Birthing in me a realization that God loves me and that makes me worthy.

I have had to let go of some dreams because they were in the way of where God is leading me. He has a plan for me. I am not finished or perfected yet. I am not exactly sure of where this path is leading me but THIS I know:

  • If God is leading, I am going.
  • He wants me to dream BIG dreams because He is a BIG God.
  • It has taken me this long to get where He wants me.
  • He is not finished with me.
  • I am right on schedule.
  • There is another adventure ahead for me.
  • I can trust Him.
  • He has a plan for me.



One response

20 11 2008



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