A mustard seed of faith

12 08 2008

 Most of us think of God in the same terms we think of our parents. My Dad abandoned our family when I was two years old. He basically rejected us. When I was 8 years old, my Mom couldn’t take proper care of me. She gave me to my older sister who provided a normal home life for me. It didn’t remove the rejection I felt from both my Mom and my Dad. I began to seriously wonder what was wrong with me that people couldn’t love me. I thought my sister and her husband must have been some kind of a saints to take me in. I tested their love for me all the time.

Fast forward to me at 24 years old, alcoholic, bar room drinker with a child of my own that I was incapable of taking care of. I was suicidal. Hopeless. Completely devoid of any self worth and desperate to change my life. I was angry, rejected, self pitying and belligerent. I was a fighter. When I got drunk, all my self control disappeared. I punched people on a fairly regular basis. People who were once my friends started avoiding me because I was trouble. If I wasn’t swinging at them, I was getting us all kicked out of some establishment by starting a fight with someone else.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I had a hard road ahead of me. If God was like my parents. it would only be a matter of time before He rejected me too.

By the end of step one, I realized that I was completely unable to help myself out of the dilemma of my alcoholism. I was still clean and sober but that had nothing to do with MY will. That was because I was learning to depend on this Higher Power. I was beginning to believe that there was a God out there who actually cared about me. I was beginning to grasp faith. Somewhere in this journey, I had stopped asking Ruthie’s God to help me stay sober. I was learning humility by kneeling next to my bed and sincerely asking “God” to help me stay clean and sober. I was no longer running the show. I could honestly see that whenever I was in control my life was a mess. This revelation was growth.

As I continued to practice asking God for help in all of life’s situations I grew in faith. God never let me down. He didn’t answer every prayer the way I wanted Him to. There are three answers to prayers.

  1. yes
  2. no
  3. not yet

God answered in the way that was best for me. I had come to realize that I did not know what was best for me. I was developing a trust that God knew far better than I what was good for me.

At first, AA was my God. They were a group of people that were doing what I couldn’t do. They were staying sober. They were relatively happy people who lived a generous way of life by using the principles of AA. They used these principals to point me to a faith that was honest and true. I am so grateful that my sponsors never allowed me to put them on a pedestal and worship them. They assured me that any success in their life was due to God and Him alone. AA was introducing me to God as I understand Him.

 Finally, I began to let go of the reigns of my life.


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One response

3 09 2008
maji6

Amazing piece of inspiration. Loved it. Helps a lot

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