6 points to the bottom line

31 07 2008

I am doing what is known as “day playing” on a local shoot here in Wilmington. The job is only one or two days a week which is a nice break in the action for me and allows me to stay home for a while. It is kinda boring though because I do not get to use my creative side. Some one else creates the hairstyles and executes the style. I simply go to set with the actors and TRY to make sure that they look consistently the same for the whole scene. I have no relationship with these actors who have seen several hair stylists come and go on their show. They have NO confidence in my skill and talent and so I am relegated to being a mirror holder for them while they fluff themselves or spray their own hair. 0ne out of five of the regular actors will actually let ME do their touch-ups on set. It is quite humbling. Especially after coming off a show that I had so much fun creating the looks for and I had the trust and respect of the actors and my co-workers.

The word that comes to me over and over on this job is discourage. Webster’s definition says: reduce the confidence of, show disapproval of. That is what happens to me on this job. I have to wonder how my confidence can so easily be shaken. I think it has to do with the second part of this definition; showing disapproval of. I am an approval junkie. If you ever want to get the best performance and the biggest smile from me, just give me some approval. I will do back flips to get approval. It makes me want to do better, to please more.

I remember being confused the first time I heard the term “people pleaser” used in a disparaging way. How could that be a bad thing? If it makes someone happy to make others happy, why should we not want to do that? Obviously, I am still somewhat perplexed by this. I enjoy seeing people happy. I love to laugh and I enjoy hearing people around me laugh. It is called joy. Ah, but if my joy is so dependant on whether or not a person approves of me, then it becomes an unhealthy thing. There will always be people that can not be pleased no matter what I do or say. I must find my approval and acceptance within.

I spent years in AA trying to learn how to be my own best friend. I learned many valuable lessons, such as:

  1. Eliminate negative self-talk. ie:Coni you are an idiot. Can’t do anything right. –you get the idea
  2. Treat myself with the same respect I would treat my best friend.
  3. Realize that I can not do everything for everybody.
  4. Learn when and how to say no.
  5. Try to do the right thing.
  6. Allow myself grace when I make a mistake.

All six of those points were revelations for me and helped me immensely but the bottom line is this:

  1. I only have to please one person in this whole world. That person is God.
  2. He is already pleased with me.
  3. He approves of me.
  4. He encourages me.
  5. He never calls me an idiot.
  6. He treats me like I am His best friend.
  7. He can do everything for everybody.
  8. He only says NO when it is not good for me.
  9. He lavishes me with grace when I mess up.
  10. He always does the right thing.

As long as I am trying to please God, I am doing what I should be doing. Now, my challenge is how to please Him while I am on this job.


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5 responses

1 08 2008
hazelseyes

Hi Coni!

I just wanted to give you a bit of encouragement while you’re on this job and beyond. It’s lovely to want the people around you to be joyful and to be pleased with a job you’ve performed for them. However, being a people pleaser is a completely different thing ( or at least has a completely different connotation). Being a people pleaser is when your efforts to please others is derived from fear ( of rejection, of the unknown, of change, etc) . People pleasers don’t stand for anything. They are tossed to and fro depending upon the views of those around them. They could agree with your opinion and then turn right around after you’re gone and tell someone with an opinion that seems to be “the opposite” of yours that they agree with their opinion, when all along they really have an opinion that is different from both opinions, only they don’t have enough confidence in themselves or their opinion to state that fact. I find working with people pleasers to be quite frustrating. One reason is, because you can’t count on them to tell you what they really think. They tell you what they think you want to hear. To me, that is never going to be a good relationship whether it is a work relationship, or a personal one, etc.

I have a dear friend who will sometimes say, “I’m not telling you anything else, because I knew you would disagree!” I mean really, what did she want me to do, just “Amen” her like I agreed to everything she was saying when I did not. I won’t do that. If you ask me for my opinion on something (and, sometimes, even if you don’t), get ready to hear my opinion- hopefully rooted and grounded in the Word of God- but not always- just forgive me when it’s not. I’ve got a lot of growing to do as do we all.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love and of power of a strong mind. I think that automatically cuts out being a people pleaser. When I think of Jesus, the thought people pleaser never comes to mind. He had to make a stand no matter what people thought or said or understood or perceived to be true, etc. He didn’t take time to worry about pleasing this one and that one with his words or actions. He let Love do the work. Love will do the work if you’ll let it. But, you’ve got to meditate on it and let it. Then and only then will the fear that thrives to lock one inside themselves and not allow them to give voice to the authentic person God created them to be- be dissipated.

Coni, I wouldn’t call you a people pleaser. As you’ve stated above, the bottom line is being a God pleaser. Your heart is focused on the right thing. Now, I think as long as you get your mind, will and emotions, focused on the bottom line you’ll notice quite a change in your attitude and the way you look at jobs like this. No doubt, the actors treating you like this will still be annoying , but it doesn’t have to have the same effect on you internally. You focusing on who you are in Christ is going to make a difference. You know you do great hair…that’s not the problem….you know you could show those actors a thing or two if they would let you…that’s not the problem…the problem is letting what could have been a temporary annoyance, linger and press those buttons of doubt that still remain on the inside. I know cause I’ve been there. However, now I’ve noticed myself reacting differently when these opportunities come up. I remind myself who I am in Christ ( a few years ago, I had to take time out and actually meditate on (thinking on, reading and even confessing) scriptures which told me who I was in Christ- it ministered to me in ways nothing else ever has. I believe the Word of God built me up inside- and made me realize my true worth and value- no matter what- whether the whole gang at work doubts me, my best friend misunderstands me, or my next door neighbor curses me, etc. The bottom line is: I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God… and nothing changes that! Through faith in Christ, I am the righteousness of God…and nothing changes that. All the other stuff is just details and the enemy trying to make me forget who I am and who my “Daddy” is. I am a child of the King. The bottom line is nothing changes that!

Coni, take care and be blessed!

Love ya!

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1 08 2008
envelopedinlove

I get most from the way John Bevere puts it: If I need something from someone(approval, acceptance, etc), then that “someone” becomes my source.

I have to remind myself frequently – God is my source & HIS estimation of my value is the only one that means anything.

I love you and am praying for you.

How’s this for a “WOW” on the esteem-metor: Together, the Father & Jesus put such tremendous value on us that Jesus was able to get past the suffering, shame, degradation and violence he endured – all for the pure JOY of grafting us into His Bride, the Father’s family. (Hebrews 12:2)

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1 08 2008
candress

Thanks for adding your wisdom to the bottom line guys. Fawn, you have encouraged with with a top ranking WOW factor scripture. I love you and I am so proud of who you are in Christ. God is our source!
Hazel, Your wisdom is such a blessing. I especially agree with the fact that people pleasers can not be counted on to give a true opinion because they are always trying to say what they THINK others want to hear. A wise person once told me, “what you think others want to hear is most often not really what they want to hear at all. So you may as well tell the truth and take your chances. At least that way, you are being true to yourself.” I think you should copy and paste your comment into your blog. It is filled with encouragement and will bless others to read it.
Just my opinion. 😉
Love you

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2 08 2008
hazelseyes

Why Coni,

I think that’s a grand idea! 🙂 You can share your opinion anytime!

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2 08 2008
People Pleasers and More… « Through Hazel’s Eyes

[…] one is a response I wrote to a blogging buddy’s post- 6 Points to the Bottom Line.  She was of the opinion that I should copy my response and paste it on my own blog in order to […]

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