SCARY STUFF

28 11 2007

Today is a tough one. I am in pain and struggling with emotional stuff.

Even before I got clean and sober I had compassion for broken people.

When I was blessed with the opportunity to get sober in AA, I threw myself into AA meetings and helping other alcoholics and drug addicts get clean and sober. At one time in my sobriety I was sponsor to 47 women. All at the same time! My phone rang at all hours of the day and night with any number of tragedies, dramas and problems. I think I have heard it all. I never had time for my own daughter because I was so busy trying to solve the problems of the world. I really regret that. 

I saw a few wonderful recoveries and conversions and a lot of two steps forward and three steps back. I have been used, abused, lied to, and lied about. Eventually, I got burned out and stopped sponsoring anyone. It seemed that I had traded my obsession for getting high with an obsession for fixing people.

After I discovered that the hole in my own soul was crying out for a Savior, I asked Jesus to come into my broken heart and make me whole. My experience with Jesus was such a profound, life changing event that I wanted every person who had suffered with suicidal thoughts, fears, rejection and lack of worth to know the love, acceptance and forgiveness I had found.

I had a lot of compassion… again… but not the wisdom necessary to really help people. So, I decided to go to school and become a counselor. Long story short, I earned an Associate Degree in Christian Education and I got burned out by sick people… again. I found a safe place at the Rock of Wilmington to heal my wounded spirit and I have settled in and kept most people at a distance for a few years now.

 I want to fulfill the destiny that I was created for and I believe that my purpose is helping people. The flame of compassion is beginning to flicker in my heart again. Fear of failure and fear of being hurt again threatens to damper the fire.

God wired me to be a helper. Paul wrote to the Corinthians That “God appointed first apostles, second prophets, teachers, workers of miracles, those having gifts of healing, those able to help others….” 1 Cor. 12:28 

It is interesting that Paul says all that and then goes right into 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. If I have this gift and do not use it to love people, I gain nothing. I am doing nothing.

I am fighting the fear and the desire to retreat into myself. I am fighting by putting it right out here. Here it is, warts and all.


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3 responses

29 11 2007
carolyn mejia

🙂 i love how god speaks to us.

night before last i was praying and reading and ended up in the wood shed over 1 corinthians 13. i was actually sickly giddy to be in the wood shed cause it meant i was somewhere – – near him. and i knew what was in store for me after the correction. i wandered about through galatians where god dealt emphatically with me about compassion… and what exactly i am on this earth to exemplify.

so, you see, retreat is not an option coni baby. sorry, no easy way out for you either. not when he so faithfully speaks to family in such similar ways so that we can all help each other stay accountable.

your warts are beauty marks to him… stuff he can use.

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29 11 2007
hazelseyes

Whew! Coni, this is a tough one. Anytime we’re transparent, it can leave us feeling so vulnerable. I am so inspired by your courage to put it all out there! Faith without works is dead- and your willingness to “put it all out there” demonstrates a faith that is very much alive. It’s obvious you’re allowing God to do a work in you, whether it is to result in your complete and total healing or the healing of someone else (knowing our God, I’m sure it’s both of those things and probably a whole lot more!)

Faith works by Love and that’s one reason I love to meditate on 1 Corinthians 13- it pushes out the fear of the “scary stuff”. Starting my blog was definitely a step of faith. I, too, have a desire to help hurting people- however, I believe I’m wired to be more of an encourager. I do this through my writing, making cards or “signs”, and just through the leading of the Holy Spirit to do whatever (it may be to give someone a particular gift or an encouraging word, etc. Now, I’ve started this blog which I pray will be an encouragement to someone. I am so excited about it, yet, I do get more than a few butterflies when I think of some things I know the Lord will have me to write about- some very personal things including my testimony of when I had a life-changing encounter with Christ. I’m a person who appreciates her privacy- yet, I know it is in those moments of pure openness and authenticity when Christ is revealed in all His Glory. I know the time will come for me to reveal more of my heart…more of my past…more of what this journey truly means to me- and I want to thank you because your openness has come at the perfect time to inspire me. I believe I will know the right time to share what God has for me to share and, thanks to you, I have even more of an affirmation to do so.

I believe it is by obeying the leading of the Holy Spirit day by day, in the smallest of things to the largest of things, we end up smack-dab in the middle of His will for our lives. So, I pray that you’ll step into your calling with balance and boundaries drawn only by the Holy Spirit – never by fear. I also pray that you’ve forgiven yourself for not having time for your daughter so long ago. Coni, obviously it’s time to begin again. I think timing is one of the most crucial elements in dealing with our life’s call. Making sure our clocks are set with Holy Spirit’s clock is going to be only one of many keys. You’re already focusing on 1 Corinthians 13- the Love chapter. I call that the essential element because all things hang on Love- God’s love for us- God’s love working in us- God’s love working through us to help others. I say you’re on the road to some pretty exciting times, Miss Coni! Keep on fighting the good fight and know that you’re not alone.

God Bless!

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4 12 2007
awilhite

I love to help people too, and this is a very bad thing when the person really doesn’t want to get better. Some people are stuck in self pity- and what they really want is revenge. Some are stuck in neediness and are just looking for a mommy to do everything. Some are stuck in anger, bitterness, fear, you name it. In fact, with your history, I’m sure you could name it better than I can!

My compassion gets me into messes that mean I have to hurt people to get out of. I can’t tell you how many times it’s happened.

I keep looking for that magical place where I will do only and exactly what God tells me to do, when God tells me to do it, and stop when he’s done. I want wisdom, not just compassion. Unfortunately what I seem to have is compassion. I am trying to balance myself in the place of blessing people. I am going to BLESS, not FIX. Yeah…

May God bless you, Coni, with the heart to serve God, the hands to touch people, and the discernment of obedience!

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